I Have Survived

with thanks and apologies to Gloria Gaynor 


"At first I was detached
I was sleep deprived
I felt I had no instincts
on how to keep little miss alive
I spent never-ending nights
replaying everything that I'd done wrong..."

It wasn't so much an a-ha moment as glimpses here and there. I found myself reading blogs and #PPDChat, nodding my head in agreement as I remembered how I used to feel that way.  

"...I tried my best to cover up
that sad look upon my face
I wished I could snap out of it
I was sure there was a way
If only I tried hard enough 
I could make PPD just go away..."

I started planning where to get my warrior tattoo. I began thinking about writing this post.

"...I couldn't leave. Just walk out the door.
All the crowds I used to love
Were something I couldn't handle anymore
I was scared she'd skip a nap and couldn't bear for miss to cry
If she did, my mask would crumble
And I was sure she or I would die..."

I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I look over my shoulder, wondering if relapse is lurking in the shadows. But if I'm worried about relapse, then it's time I acknowledged the truth, which, as silly as it seems, is scary.

"...I used all the strength I had
and still I fell apart
I was incredibly impatient
for the good parts of motherhood to start
It's taken two long years of fighting
trying to take things day by day
Still sometimes I cry
But now there are days I also feel so damned alive
I am still me
Yet somehow new
This illness made me stronger
For all the hell it put me through..."

There are a lot of big changes on the horizon for me right now. There have been days when the insomnia returns, the bad eating habits creep in, the anxiety sky rockets. I use the tools I've learned to work through the bad moment but wonder if the triggers will get the best of me. But right now? It's time for me to say it. And Savour it.


"...and I know that I
I have survived
Thanks to all the ones who showed me love
I am here and feel alive
I remember how to live
And I've got tons of love to give.
I have survived
I have survived."

Dear friends and family, in real life, and in blog and twitter land, I couldn't have made it through this journey without you. I believe a lot of my recovery came down to time, and there were times when it seemed like it would never end. You helped me take it day by day, and when I couldn't, you helped me through the darkness. I can't say it enough. I love you and thank you all.  xx

Celebrating the Fourth

It’s the Fourth of July today and I’m thankful the weather is sunny and warm, bringing back some wonderful childhood memories.  Camping often coincided with the holiday.  My parents took me camping when I was about nine months old and by the time I was old enough to remember any of it they were seasoned campers, complete with a home-made food box that transformed the trunk of our car into a well organized pantry.  The car and trailer would be packed in expert tetris style, each item having a special place to go so that everything would fit.  The cloth bags for the various necessities had unspoken color codes; the blue one held kitchen foil and trash bags, the red one for beach towels. Amongst them was a brown bag, full of toys and games saved especially for camping.  Part of setting up the campsite was creating a matchbox town for our dirt caked cars to reside.

We always packed books, crayons, and various other bits and pieces that could keep us busy when it rained, which it inevitably would at some point during the stay, but ultimately we were outside as much as possible.  We had treats like chocolate pancakes, gorp, s’mores.  I thought my Dad was the smartest man ever when he cut my mini cereal box open, poured milk in it, and let me eat straight out of it – a cardboard cereal bowl? Genius.

I've Got a Little Daddy's Girl...and I thank my lucky stars

One of the drawbacks to running on auto-pilot is sometimes I forget to let the nice emotions out too.  So, since this is what I created this blog for, today’s post lets you in on the sappy side.

I can almost see my husband rolling his eyes now as he reads this – being gushed about or thanked on any sort of social network is certainly not high on his list

There has been one big bright shining spark throughout the last year and that has been my husband.  He has loved our little girl with his whole being, from the moment he met her. If you watch them together or listen to him talk about her, you can almost see the love resonating through him. I don’t know how to explain it because I don’t know how it is for the rest of you but loving my little girl did not came naturally. I loved her with my mind first (of course I loved her, she was my daughter) but loving her with my heart came later. I can tell just by watching Andrew that it is not the same for him. He definitely loves her with his heart and I’m pretty sure he does not need logic to know he wants to laugh and play with her as he does. 

She lights up when he walks in the room. “Daddy?” is often the first thing she asks about in the morning, pitter-pattering into the bedroom to make sure he’s up too. Their love is palpable and it has warmed my heart even on my darkest days to see the two of them together. She is a Daddy’s girl to the highest degree and it has been my saving grace.