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Monday, 30 July 2012

I Have Survived

with thanks and apologies to Gloria Gaynor 

"At first I was detached
I was sleep deprived
I felt I had no instincts
on how to keep little miss alive
I spent never-ending nights
replaying everything that I'd done wrong..."

It wasn't so much an a-ha moment as glimpses here and there. I found myself reading blogs and #PPDChat, nodding my head in agreement as I remembered how I used to feel that way.  

"...I tried my best to cover up
that sad look upon my face
I wished I could snap out of it
I was sure there was a way
If only I tried hard enough 
I could make PPD just go away..."

I started planning where to get my warrior tattoo. I began thinking about writing this post.

"...I couldn't leave. Just walk out the door.
All the crowds I used to love
Were something I couldn't handle anymore
I was scared she'd skip a nap and couldn't bear for miss to cry
If she did, my mask would crumble
And I was sure she or I would die..."

I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I look over my shoulder, wondering if relapse is lurking in the shadows. But if I'm worried about relapse, then it's time I acknowledged the truth, which, as silly as it seems, is scary.

"...I used all the strength I had
and still I fell apart
I was incredibly impatient
for the good parts of motherhood to start
It's taken two long years of fighting
trying to take things day by day
Still sometimes I cry
But now there are days I also feel so damned alive
I am still me
Yet somehow new
This illness made me stronger
For all the hell it put me through..."

There are a lot of big changes on the horizon for me right now. There have been days when the insomnia returns, the bad eating habits creep in, the anxiety sky rockets. I use the tools I've learned to work through the bad moment but wonder if the triggers will get the best of me. But right now? It's time for me to say it. And Savour it.

"...and I know that I
I have survived
Thanks to all the ones who showed me love
I am here and feel alive
I remember how to live
And I've got tons of love to give.
I have survived
I have survived."

Dear friends and family, in real life, and in blog and twitter land, I couldn't have made it through this journey without you. I believe a lot of my recovery came down to time, and there were times when it seemed like it would never end. You helped me take it day by day, and when I couldn't, you helped me through the darkness. I can't say it enough. I love you and thank you all.  xx



TheBoyandMe said...

This is brilliant to read, well done missus. Looking forward to meeting you.

Jennifer Gaskell said...

So excited to see this post! Singing along with you.

Michelle Koch said...

Yea :) So excited for you, I can't wait to feel that way, you give me hope!!

Cindy Reid said...

You are so brave for sharing your story. It has been so helpful to me and so many others I am sure. During pregnancy people often love to give unsolicitated advice on everything from breastfeeding to diaper rashes and share their stories of motherhood. No one ever says "hey, by the way, this might not be the pure bliss everyone says it is. You might end up feeling like you are actually going crazy." No one prepares you for that. Thank you Sandy!

SandyS125 said...

Thank you for reading and for writing this Cindy. You're right, no one really lets you know that sometimes it sucks, and that's okay. No one tells you that if it it feels wrong, then it's not because you can't adjust, but symptoms of an illness. Motherhood is a hell of a learning curve; a phrase I have repeated endlessly.

SandyS125 said...

You will feel this way. I know it! Life is never perfect but when the darkness lifts, you'll know it. One step at a time!

SandyS125 said...

Thank you.

SandyS125 said...

Thank you for your support through this. x

Christina said...

Oh my gosh, I was reading this post and felt like I had written it myself. I just wrote an article titled "I Am a Survivor" for Life With a Baby Blog. I, too, wanted a warrior mom tattoo. I, too, read blogs and #PPDChat and can feel for those who are where I used to be. We are survivors and you are strong and we are going to be ok!