tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52835168327158581982024-03-13T01:20:06.132+00:00Not Just the BluesSharing my story of motherhood and my battle to recover from postpartum depressionSandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-34564792579894403812013-08-19T19:51:00.000+01:002013-08-19T19:54:55.987+01:00Constant Quest for Positivity<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #666666;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whew. It's been a crazy few months. Some of you may have noticed my radio silence. I imagine those who follow my blog or twitter feed are not surprised I needed a break from social media. The break has been necessary as I work hard to be the best me I can be. However I will continue to write. Here's a tidbit of my focus as of late.</span></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Recovery, as I have mentioned before, is a process that is not always linear, often takes steps backwards, has an indeterminate length, and requires a tremendous amount of patience. Once I began to get stronger, it also required (requires) a tremendous of work from me. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">So that, in a nutshell, is where I'm at. Facing my emotions, looking into my heart.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Taking one day at a time (sometimes one moment at a time) but trying to remember to <b><i>live</i></b> it, not just survive it. I am getting better and have been equipped with the tools to make the final steps. As the depression wanes, it's up to me to discover happiness again.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">This means not listening when the thoughts creep in that I don't know what I'm doing, wondering what the hell I was thinking to make such a major change, thinking that I am not cut out for this. It means taking each and every one of those thoughts and turning it around.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I <b><i>do</i></b> know what I'm doing.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">This change is a step <b><i>forward</i></b>.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I <i><b>am</b></i> cut out for this.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Reframe it.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Accentuate the positive.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Keep on the sunnyside.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">There have been times when I think of it as "fake it till you make it" but it's not really faking it. It's just grabbing hold of that little thing and holding on to it with all I've got so I can get to the other side of the darkness. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">How can I make this feel okay?</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">What can I do to make myself smile?</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">To breathe?</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">My runs have become my meditation. I breathe in for three steps and out for two. Three strong words are picked each day and I think them as I breathe in, breathe out and start again. A mantra. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Strength</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Love</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Success</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Peace </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Comfort</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Home</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Family</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Growth</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Happiness.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The words change but it fuels my run and cleanses my soul. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Each and every night, I lie in bed and list the things I'm grateful for. Often they are not about at me, but the loving friends and family I have surrounding me, the amazing people I have come in contact with, the beautiful weather I've been living in. I drift off to sleep holding these thoughts in my head instead of turning over and over the things that went wrong.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sounds cheesy. But it's working.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The last bump I had was a doozy. I was in town, on my own, and as I hung up from a difficult phone call, I could feel the anxiety closing in, my chest tightening, my eyes glistening. </span></span></div>
<br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">***annnnnd breeeeeathhhheeee*</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #444444;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">in for three, out for four</span></span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">in for five, out for six.</span></span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">***annnnd wallllkk**</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #444444;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">'positive positive positive'</span></span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #444444;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It'll be fine. It'll work out. It is not in your control.</span></span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #444444;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Focus on what is.</span></span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I ran errands. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">One. at. a. time.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Each check mark, I stopped, reminded myself that it was a step forward, and continued to the next one.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The anxiety didn't magically disappear, but I kept it at bay. Not in a masking, ignoring, I'll have a total break down way, either. (believe me, I've been there) I was aware of it constantly. I had to stop and breathe a lot that afternoon but focusing on what I could do, what I was doing, helped me get through. I made it.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The day was good. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<center>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/L2Wx230gYJw" width="560"></iframe><br />
</center>
</div>
Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-30265407110588741562013-06-01T23:51:00.000+01:002013-06-02T12:00:20.763+01:00Preaching to the Choir<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Stigma.<br />
<br />
I started writing to reduce it.<br />
<br />
But for who?<br />
<br />
One thing that I have learned, through this journey, is no one really <i>gets it </i>unless they've been through it or going through it.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure that can ever change.<br />
<br />
I mean really, honestly, I've spent hours thinking <b>"why can't I just snap out of it?"</b> and I've <b>got the damn illness</b>. Of course someone who has never experienced it would think the same thing.<br />
<br />
<i>But that's where empathy comes in</i>, I hear you say. <i>That's where it's our job to explain support.</i><br />
<br />
Yeah. Support. What <i>is</i> that for someone who doesn't truly get it?<br />
<br />
They read the literature that says understand. Listen. Be there.<br />
<br />
So they pay the bills. They do the housework. They listen to you say you can't. <b>They are there.</b> And all the while? They wonder why the hell you can't.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<i><b>And frankly, it's a perfectly reasonable question.</b></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><b>If you've never had depression.</b></i><br />
<br />
Admit it.<br />
<br />
Before you had it, did <b><i>you </i></b>get it?<br />
<br />
Did you understand that some days you can get dressed and put a smile on your face for the outside world but inside be crumbling?<br />
<br />
Did you understand that some days you'd wish you'd never been born yet still laugh at something on TV?<br />
<br />
Did you get that sometimes doing dishes was an impossibility because? Because you? Because you had no idea why?<br />
<br />
Would you have imagined that you'd fantasize about running away all the while going through the daily routine?<br />
<br />
Would you have imagined it possible to smile at that happy baby even though you felt nothing?<br />
<br />
Of course not.<br />
<br />
That's why I preach to the choir.<br />
<br />
The choir of women who think they're alone.<br />
<br />
You're not.<br />
<br />
Changing the stigma to those who have never felt the crushing blow of depression is something I no longer think is possible.<br />
<br />
I want to change it so those who feel it ask for help.<br />
<br />
So those who <i>think</i> they are alone know they are not.<br />
<br />
Depression sucks. It is debilitating, but from the inside.<br />
<br />
We put on our masks. We know the stigma is alive. We don't tell our co-workers. We are sometimes afraid to admit it to our partners. We are even more afraid to admit it to ourselves.<br />
<br />
But.<br />
<br />
We are not alone.<br />
<br />
It's dark. It's hard. It destroys things that sometimes can't be put back together.<br />
<br />
But it is not our fault.<br />
<br />
It is an illness.<br />
<br />
It is silent.<br />
<br />
It is deadly.<br />
<br />
It is scary and unknown to those who have not felt it.<br />
<br />
But we can persevere.<br />
<br />
Choir.<br />
<br />
I am sometime quiet, but<br />
<br />
I am one of you.</div>
Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-70384731243390169932013-05-23T21:49:00.000+01:002013-05-23T21:55:24.084+01:00The End<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">December</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had planned on asking for my wedding ring to be re-dipped and cleaned for Christmas. I don't like to admit that I'm superstitious but it was beginning to look a little dull and disheartened and my gut feeling was that it reflected how things were going. The last few years had been a hard slog to say the least. The recent move a set back instead of the step forward we had hoped. Life had been on hold for too long. We needed a fresh start. It was time to start moving again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm in the kitchen and the dreaded words are like a haze.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I think we might need counselling."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I scoff " Counselling is a sign of last resort. Surely we should try first...Surely you think we can get past this." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He sits on a nearby stool and stares at the floor.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My voice rises. Squeaks "Do you think we're at the last resort stage already? Do you think we need a...."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I stop myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He finishes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I don't love you anymore. I haven't for a long time."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's over.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-77501045030211008012012-10-21T20:40:00.001+01:002012-11-10T11:44:20.486+00:00Two Steps Forward...One Leap Back<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We moved. To a new city.<br />
A new country.<br />
My husband cut his hours. He started full-time university.<br />
Little miss started a new nursery.<br />
I increased my commute. By three hours a day.<br />
<br />
<br />
Stress coming from all angles. But I was ready. Hell, this is the kind of thing I used to thrive on. Hand me a challenge, and I was in my element. Exploring the area museums and looking up library times. Finding new running routes. Navigating the area's public transportation.<br />
<br />
I multitask with the best of them. I learn new cities quickly. Taking the train to work felt like coming home again. I could do this.<br />
<br />
I made running part of my commute. I read books on the train. I budgeted on Saturdays. Slept in on Sundays. My husband did mornings. I did the evenings. It's been busy but we were adjusting.<br />
<br />
And then I wasn't.<br />
<br />
I've started running because I'm supposed to...not because I want to.<br />
That's if I manage a run at all.<br />
<br />
I worry that leaving before my daughter wakes up and getting home after her dinner will scar her for life.<br />
<br />
I worry that I will miss the train.<br />
That we will run out of money.<br />
That my daughter will get sick.<br />
That my husband will die.<br />
<br />
Worry worry worry worry worry worry worry.<br />
<br />
The anxiety is back.<br />
<br />
I play the "is it normal" game.<br />
<br />
Is it normal to wish for bedtime when it is only 10am?<br />
Is it normal to want to go back to sleep but be too restless to stay in bed?<br />
Is it normal to want to not want to eat?<br />
To want to eat everything?<br />
To want it all to stop?<br />
To be scared of what would happen if it did?<br />
<br />
The dark thoughts are returning.<br />
<br />
I am a bad mother because I can't provide.<br />
I am a bad mother because I spend all my time working to provide.<br />
I am a bad mother because I didn't enjoy hide and seek today.<br />
I am a bad mother because we played hide and seek instead of practising phonics.<br />
<br />
The intrusive thoughts have creeped back in.<br />
<br />
I wanted my last <a href="http://notjusttheblues.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/i-have-survived.html">post</a> to be one of hope. To show all of you who are battling that there is light at the end of the tunnel. To let all of you who love me know that I was okay. To tell all of you who have shied away that I was me again.<br />
<br />
All of that is true. I did get better. But this illness has affected who I am. How I deal. I still try to tackle life head on but this illness doesn't always let me.<br />
<br />
With depression comes self doubt. I wonder if I'm making it all up. Whether it's worse in my head than it really needs to be. Whether I just need to work a little harder to pull through.<br />
<br />
It isn't that easy. With depression, it will never work that way.<br />
<br />
I didn't want to call the doctor, afraid of taxing a system when I was so new to the area. I didn't want to admit I needed help because it felt like admitting defeat. I didn't want to waste their time if I was just having trouble acclimating to change.<br />
<br />
These thoughts sound silly when I'm well.<br />
<br />
Yet I listened and didn't call.<br />
<br />
I met our health visitor on Friday.<br />
<br />
It took her five minutes to see what I had been trying so hard to hide.<br />
<br />
I saw the look in her eyes and it brought me back to those early days with miss. I cried and said I didn't want to be back at the beginning. That I'm scared that this isn't over.<br />
<br />
"You aren't at the beginning. You just need some help getting over some big hurdles. We can give you that help. Let us."<br />
<br />
I made the call. I see the doctor this week. My health visitor is visiting again as well.<br />
<br />
The depression is trying to tell me I'm at the bottom of that deep dark hole again. I know I'm not.<br />
<br />
It is dark but I will get out.<br />
<br />
I am well, just not fully healed.<br />
<br />
Two steps forward, one leap back....that's still progress.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-40361048431677493482012-07-30T21:37:00.000+01:002012-07-30T22:13:15.849+01:00I Have Survived<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">with thanks and apologies to Gloria Gaynor </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 21px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">"At first I was detached</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">I was sleep deprived</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">I felt I had no instincts</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">on how to keep little miss alive</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">I spent never-ending nights</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">replaying everything that I'd done wrong..."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It wasn't so much an a-ha moment as glimpses here and there. I found myself reading blogs and #PPDChat, nodding my head in agreement as I remembered how I <i>used</i> to feel that way. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"...I tried my best to cover up</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">that sad look upon my face</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wished I could snap out of it</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was sure there was a way</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If only I tried hard enough </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I could make PPD just go away..."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started planning where to get my warrior tattoo. I began thinking about writing this post.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"...I couldn't leave. Just walk out the door.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All the crowds I used to love</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Were something I couldn't handle anymore</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was scared she'd skip a nap and couldn't bear for miss to cry</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If she did, my mask would crumble</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I was sure she or I would die..."</span><br />
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I look over my shoulder, wondering if relapse is lurking in the shadows. But if I'm worried about relapse, then it's time I acknowledged the truth, which, as silly as it seems, is scary.</span></div>
<div>
<br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"...I used all the strength I had</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and still I fell apart</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was incredibly impatient</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">for the good parts of motherhood to start</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's taken two long years of fighting</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">trying to take things day by day</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Still sometimes I cry</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But now there are days I also feel so damned alive</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am still me</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet somehow new</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This illness made me stronger</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For all the hell it put me through..."</span></div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There are a lot of big changes on the horizon for me right now. There have been days when the insomnia returns, the bad eating habits creep in, the anxiety sky rockets. I use the tools I've learned to work through the bad moment but wonder if the triggers will get the best of me. But right now? It's time for me to say it. And Savour it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"...and I know that I</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have survived</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thanks to all the ones who showed me love</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am here and feel alive</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I remember how to live</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I've got tons of love to give.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have survived</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have survived."</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dear friends and family, in real life, and in blog and twitter land, I couldn't have made it through this journey without you. I believe a lot of my recovery came down to time, and there were times when it seemed like it would never end. You helped me take it day by day, and when I couldn't, you helped me through the darkness. I can't say it enough. I love you and thank you all. xx</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img alt="IsurvivedPPD1.jpg" border="0" height="33" src="webkit-fake-url://893B5024-503C-42AC-A2BD-795DCC339876/IsurvivedPPD1.jpg" title="" width="200" /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-68809566257730093552012-06-21T22:06:00.000+01:002012-06-22T12:55:33.113+01:00So We Meet Again: Reconnecting after Postpartum Depression<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">It’s January and my husband and I have had yet another argument.
They have been coming fast in furious for several months and this has been one
for the books. One that starts with snide comments from both parties,
escalating to insults and accusations. One with an intermission where he swears
under his breath as he picks up his phone, I stomp out of the room and cry.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> One where by the end we hugging each other, apologizing
for our hurtful words, emotionally and physically exhausted, feeling absolutely
no relief from airing our grievances. We have figured out the problem. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">We just have no idea how to fix it.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-moz-border-bottom-colors: none; -moz-border-image: none; -moz-border-left-colors: none; -moz-border-right-colors: none; -moz-border-top-colors: none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color -moz-use-text-color windowtext; border-style: none none solid; border-width: medium medium 1pt; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; padding: 0cm 0cm 1pt;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; padding: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Postpartum depression has been hell.
It has messed with my husband’s world as much as it has mine.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> As he put it, the day we came home with our
newborn baby, I returned with a stranger. He returned with two. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; padding: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Imagine it.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">You find someone to spend your
life with. It isn’t always perfect, you don’t always see eye to eye, but you <i>get</i> each other. You decide to have a baby
together. You go into it knowing it’s going to be hard work but you are ready
because you’ll be doing it together.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">But this <i>mom</i> is not your partner in crime. She looks the same, but only if
you look past the slouched posture, the empty eyes, the plastic smile.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> She <i>almost</i>
sounds the same, but her intonation has been replaced with emotionless
monotone. You look hard to find her in there but she just isn’t the person you
entered into this with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">You discover it’s an illness and
feel almost relieved. There’s a <i>reason</i>
for this change and there is a way to recover. So you do everything in your
power to make sure she can concentrate on getting better. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">She can’t bring herself to cook
more than ramen noodles and cup a soup…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">So you do the meal planning, the
grocery shopping, and the cooking.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Thinking about money practically
cripples her with panic…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">So you take over the budget and
paying the bills.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">She is too anxious to even think
about leaving the house…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">So you decline friends’
invitations and stay at home with her.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin-right: 26.05pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">She needs to live moment by moment…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">So you accept it and do the required
planning ahead. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">She needs to work through how she
is feeling.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">You listen to as much as you can
handle before you tell her you’ll give her the space and time it takes, but
that she <b><i>must</i></b> tell <i>someone else</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">You are heartbroken, angry, and
confused. You are scared and frustrated but you can’t tell the one person you
usually turn to. So you seal your feelings off and continue to work. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin-right: 26.05pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">You continue to <b><i>do</i></b>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">You keep busy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">You move forward.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Then, after what seems like an
eternity, she seems like herself again. Each day, a little more of her comes
back. She makes jokes that make you laugh and her smiles reach her eyes. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">She plans the weekend away without
begging you to make the final decisions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">She gets pissed off when you plan
something without consulting her. Then gets even more furious when you do it
again. She wants to know about the things that you’d grown accustomed to doing
alone because, for so long, she wasn’t healthy enough to handle it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; margin: 0cm 26.05pt 0.0001pt 1cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">She is hurt that you come home and
busy yourself on the computer, the phone, or the TV. She wonders why you are so
<b><i>insular</i></b>.
</span></div>
<div style="-moz-border-bottom-colors: none; -moz-border-image: none; -moz-border-left-colors: none; -moz-border-right-colors: none; -moz-border-top-colors: none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color -moz-use-text-color windowtext; border-style: none none solid; border-width: medium medium 1pt; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; padding: 0cm 0cm 1pt;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; padding: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">This is about the point when the big one started. He lost it
and shouted. “Because you have been <b><i>shut off</i></b> for more than two years.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">He wasn’t wrong. I fought back the urge to apologise and he
stopped me as I began to utter “I’m sorry.” We both know it’s PPD that made me
detached and anxious. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">But it still sucked. For both of us. We did what we could to
get through it. We weathered the storm in the best way we knew how.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Now that I’m feeling again, I don’t want him to live as though
he is on his own. Now that he sees me reaching out, he is unsure how to let
down his guard.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I am finally finding the old me again but he isn’t the old
him anymore. He’s been through this battle too. Only he’s been through it wide
awake, without the fog of depression to fade his memories or cloud his days. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">We both want to get back to being as close as we
used to be but it has been tremendously hard work. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">We are not there yet. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">It cuts me to the core to write that. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">In my heart of hearts I know it’s a testament to the
strength of our relationship that has got us through this hell and not a sign
of weakness that we have pieces to pick up. We have fun together and even
managed it some in the midst of my depression. But in the moments when we run
out of things to say to each other, the hurt comes flooding in.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">In those hard moments I remind myself how much we have been through
and that healing takes time. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I know that impatience won’t speed up this process but will
only cause heartache while we are working through it. I do my best to remember
that we love each other, even if PPD did its damndest to rip us apart.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">We are trying and we will get there.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">In order to survive this illness, we had to live as individuals
but we will be that strong team again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-38273179599968668932012-05-19T17:37:00.001+01:002012-05-19T17:37:18.850+01:00Letters to New Mothers:<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Last Sunday the Fourth Annual <a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/welcome-to-the-4th-annual-mothers-day-rally-for-moms-mental-health">Mother's Day Rally </a>took place on <a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/">Postpartum Progress</a>. Each hour, a letter written by one mother to other mothers was published on the website and the links shared via twitter. Each and every one of these writers has fought an antenatal or postnatal illness and each and every letter was spoken from the heart. As cliche as it may sound, I really did laugh and criy my way through them, each one touching me differently. They were beautifully honest, at times heart-wrenching, and full of messages of hope, patience, and understanding. </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
I discovered Postpartum Progress just under a year ago and often mention it in my posts. I am proud to have the "I am Surviving" warriror mom badge on this blog. That site is what made me finally realise my own strength and was a catalyst towards my recovery. If you have never visited it before, please take a look. It, and its founder <a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/about">Katherine Stone</a>, are amazing.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
To say I was honored to be able to write one of the letters in last week's rally is a massive understatement. It was the highlight of my week and one of my biggest highs this year.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Here is my letter to new moms:</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/sandra-sutherland-on-not-bottling-up-postpartum-depression">On Not Bottling Up Depression</a></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Here are links to all of the other letters. I hope you get a chance to read a few of the other letters as well. They were as brilliant as the women who wrote them. </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/dawn-greene-on-feeling-like-youre-not-yourself">Dawn Greene: On Feeling You're Not Yourself</a></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /><a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/stephanie-precourt-on-letting-the-words-out">Stephanie Precourt: On Letting The Words Out</a></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/mary-mccarthy-on-the-mombie-apocalypse">Mary McCarthy: On the Mombie Apocalypse</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/amber-koter-puline-on-struggling-with-motherhood-after-postpartum-depression">Amber Koter-Puline: On Struggling with Motherhood after Postpartum Depression</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/ilina-ewen-on-hearing-the-words-postpartum-depression-too-late">Ilina Ewen: On Hearing the Words Postpartum Depression too Late</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/victoria-costello-on-why-postpartum-depression-treatment-is-important">Victoria Costello: On Why Postpartum Depression Treatment is Important</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/alexandra-rosas-on-the-fat-hot-tears-of-postpartum-depression">Alexandra Rosas: On the Fat Hot Tears of Postpartum Depression</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/miranda-wicker-on-bad-moments-not-making-you-a-bad-mother">Miranda Wicker: On Bad Moments Not Making You A Bad Mother</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/jill-williams-krause-on-the-impending-doom-of-postpartum-anxiety">Jill Williams Krause: On The Impending Doom of Postpartum Anxiety</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/fadra-nally-on-not-admitting-she-had-postpartum-depression">Fadra Nally: On Not Admitting She Had Postpartum Depression</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/jennifer-on-having-a-baby-postpartum-psychosis-and-bipolar-disorder">Jennifer: On Having A Baby, Postpartum Psychosis And Bipolar Disorder</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/jenna-hatfield-on-wanting-to-be-the-perfect-mom">Jenna Hatfield: On Wanting to Be the Perfect Mom</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/kathleen-schmidt-on-feeling-like-you-cant-be-a-mother">Kathleen Schmidt: On Feeling Like You Can’t Be A Mother</a></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/lauren-hale-on-the-journey-of-postpartum-depression">Lauren Hale: On The Journey of Postpartum Depression</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/katie-sluiter-on-hating-yourself-during-postpartum-depression">Katie Sluiter: On Hating Yourself During Postpartum Depression</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/jennifer-gaskell-on-postpartum-depressions-black-clouds-of-despair">Jennifer Gaskell: On Postpartum Depression’s Black Clouds of Despair</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/erin-margolin-on-what-you-should-know-about-postpartum-depression">Erin Margolin: On What You Should Know About Antenatal Depression</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/robin-farr-on-why-youre-worthy-of-celebration-this-mothers-day">Robin Farr: On Being Worthy of Celebration This Mother’s Day</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/jenny-chiu-on-replacing-the-judgy-pants-with-talky-pants">Jenni Chiu: On Replacing the Judgy Pants With Talky Pants</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/lindsay-maloan-on-why-a-mothers-arms-are-home">Lindsay Maloan: On Why A Mother’s Arms Are Home</a> </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/frelle-on-the-variety-of-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression">Frelle: On The Variety of Symptoms of Postpartum Depression</a></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Enjoy reading. May you find at least one that touches your heart and speaks to you. x</span></div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-37085211734167480872012-04-25T22:53:00.000+01:002012-04-25T22:53:10.072+01:00One a Day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
“Take one of these a day.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
Two years and two weeks ago my doctor said this as he handed
me a blister pack of anti-depressants.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
I had told my health visitor how I was feeling a few weeks
prior, but despite follow up visits from her and initial sessions with a PND counsellor,
I was feeling much much worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
The session with my doctor was much longer than a standard
visit, as he listened to every fear, thought, and feeling that came tumbling
out of my mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the misconceived
notion that going on anti-depressants would mean I would have to stop breastfeeding.
Despite not really enjoying it, I felt like it was one of the only things I was
doing right so was reluctant to give it up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>He answered my questions and disproved my
concerns. The medication he was prescribing had been around a long time so was
tried and tested. I left his office informed and determined. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
I couldn’t start taking a full dose all at once.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In order to minimize the side effects, I had
to gradually build up to the level my doctor had prescribed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, once I reached that…nothing happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We upped the dose again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hadn’t wanted to turn to drugs in the first
place and, with every passing day of feeling not even a tiny bit better, I
wondered if I had made the wrong choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wondered if I was on the right medication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wondered if medication was even going to
help at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wondered if I just needed
to snap out of it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
After several weeks on the proper level, I started to see
improvement. It was a life altering relief.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
There weren’t many peaks and there were numerous valleys,
but I slowly began to get better. I was functioning in my daily life and
exploring the many other aspects that come with battling postnatal depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d been on them for over a year so even
began wondering if the anti-d’s were redundant at that point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I convinced myself that the only reason I was
still taking them was because I had been too <s>busy</s> lazy to discuss with
my doctor the option of cutting down.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
We went away for a long weekend to celebrate a family
wedding. It was brilliant. I wasn’t anxious like I had been at previous outings
so was able to relax and have fun for the first time in a long time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
I was having so much fun, I forgot my medication. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: left;">
<i><b>For 24 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
That night I ended up with a headache that would put a
migraine to shame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
For the next week, I struggled, teetering on the brink of
relapse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All from missing <i><b>one measly day
of pills</b></i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
I made sure to take my pills everyday but resented it. I
felt like a failure. Surely I should have been fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The “if only” game played in a loop in my
head. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><span style="line-height: 115%;">(Of only I’d reached out for help
sooner.<span> </span>If only I’d worked harder at
CBT, if only I’d payed for more therapy, if only I remembered self care)</span></i><span> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
Despite understanding that PND is an illness, I still felt
like I should have been able to beat it without having to resort to pills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I first reached out for help, I had known
that I needed to, but in hindsight I wondered if I had just tried a little
harder, or been just a little more prepared, I could have ensured that it had never
gotten bad enough to need anti-depressants in the first place. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 8.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
I worked at trying to forgive myself, to no avail. The
<a href="http://%e2%80%9ctake%20one%20of%20these%20a%20day.%e2%80%9d%20%20two%20years%20and%20two%20weeks%20ago%20my%20doctor%20said%20this%20as%20he%20handed%20me%20a%20blister%20pack%20of%20anti-depressants.%20%20i%20had%20told%20my%20health%20visitor%20how%20i%20was%20feeling%20a%20few%20weeks%20prior,%20but%20despite%20follow%20up%20visits%20from%20her%20and%20initial%20sessions%20with%20a%20pnd%20counsellor,%20i%20was%20feeling%20much%20much%20worse.%20%20%20%20the%20session%20with%20my%20doctor%20was%20much%20longer%20than%20a%20standard%20visit,%20as%20he%20listened%20to%20every%20fear,%20thought,%20and%20feeling%20that%20came%20tumbling%20out%20of%20my%20mouth.%20%20i%20had%20the%20misconceived%20notion%20that%20going%20on%20anti-depressants%20would%20mean%20i%20would%20have%20to%20stop%20breastfeeding.%20despite%20not%20really%20enjoying%20it,%20i%20felt%20like%20it%20was%20one%20of%20the%20only%20things%20i%20was%20doing%20right%20so%20was%20reluctant%20to%20give%20it%20up.%20%20he%20answered%20my%20questions%20and%20disproved%20my%20concerns.%20the%20medication%20he%20was%20prescribing%20had%20been%20around%20a%20long%20time%20so%20was%20tried%20and%20tested.%20i%20left%20his%20office%20informed%20and%20determined.%20%20%20i%20couldn%e2%80%99t%20start%20taking%20a%20full%20dose%20all%20at%20once.%20%20in%20order%20to%20minimize%20the%20side%20effects,%20i%20had%20to%20gradually%20build%20up%20to%20the%20level%20my%20doctor%20had%20prescribed.%20%20then,%20once%20i%20reached%20that%e2%80%a6nothing%20happened.%20%20we%20upped%20the%20dose%20again.%20%20i%20hadn%e2%80%99t%20wanted%20to%20turn%20to%20drugs%20in%20the%20first%20place%20and,%20with%20every%20passing%20day%20of%20feeling%20not%20even%20a%20tiny%20bit%20better,%20i%20wondered%20if%20i%20had%20made%20the%20wrong%20choice.%20%20i%20wondered%20if%20i%20was%20on%20the%20right%20medication.%20%20i%20wondered%20if%20medication%20was%20even%20going%20to%20help%20at%20all.%20%20i%20wondered%20if%20i%20just%20needed%20to%20snap%20out%20of%20it.%20%20%20after%20several%20weeks%20on%20the%20proper%20level,%20i%20started%20to%20see%20improvement.%20it%20was%20a%20life%20altering%20relief.%20%20there%20weren%e2%80%99t%20many%20peaks%20and%20there%20were%20numerous%20valleys,%20but%20i%20slowly%20began%20to%20get%20better.%20i%20was%20functioning%20in%20my%20daily%20life%20and%20exploring%20the%20many%20other%20aspects%20that%20come%20with%20battling%20postnatal%20depression.%20%20i%e2%80%99d%20been%20on%20them%20for%20over%20a%20year%20so%20even%20began%20wondering%20if%20the%20anti-d%e2%80%99s%20were%20redundant%20at%20that%20point.%20%20i%20convinced%20myself%20that%20the%20only%20reason%20i%20was%20still%20taking%20them%20was%20because%20i%20had%20been%20too%20busy%20lazy%20to%20discuss%20with%20my%20doctor%20the%20option%20of%20cutting%20down.%20%20we%20went%20away%20for%20a%20long%20weekend%20to%20celebrate%20a%20family%20wedding.%20it%20was%20brilliant.%20i%20wasn%e2%80%99t%20anxious%20like%20i%20had%20been%20at%20previous%20outings%20so%20was%20able%20to%20relax%20and%20have%20fun%20for%20the%20first%20time%20in%20a%20long%20time.%20%20i%20was%20having%20so%20much%20fun,%20i%20forgot%20my%20medication.%20%20%20for%2024%20hours.%20%20%20%20that%20night%20i%20ended%20up%20with%20a%20headache%20that%20would%20put%20a%20migraine%20to%20shame.%20%20%20%20for%20the%20next%20week,%20i%20struggled,%20teetering%20on%20the%20brink%20of%20relapse.%20%20all%20from%20missing%20one%20measly%20day%20of%20pills.%20%20%20%20i%20made%20sure%20to%20take%20my%20pills%20everyday%20but%20resented%20it.%20i%20felt%20like%20a%20failure.%20surely%20i%20should%20have%20been%20fine.%20%20the%20%e2%80%9cif%20only%e2%80%9d%20game%20played%20in%20a%20loop%20in%20my%20head.%20%20%20%28of%20only%20i%e2%80%99d%20reached%20out%20for%20help%20sooner.%20%20if%20only%20i%e2%80%99d%20worked%20harder%20at%20cbt,%20if%20only%20i%e2%80%99d%20payed%20for%20more%20therapy,%20if%20only%20i%20remembered%20self%20care%29%20%20%20%20despite%20understanding%20that%20pnd%20is%20an%20illness,%20i%20still%20felt%20like%20i%20should%20have%20been%20able%20to%20beat%20it%20without%20having%20to%20resort%20to%20pills.%20%20when%20i%20first%20reached%20out%20for%20help,%20i%20had%20known%20that%20i%20needed%20to,%20but%20in%20hindsight%20i%20wondered%20if%20i%e2%80%99d%20just%20tried%20a%20little%20harder,%20or%20been%20just%20a%20little%20more%20prepared,%20i%20could%20have%20ensured%20that%20it%20had%20never%20gotten%20bad%20enough%20to%20need%20anti-depressants%20in%20the%20first%20place.%20%20%20i%20worked%20at%20trying%20to%20forgive%20myself,%20to%20no%20avail.%20the%20/#ppdarmy,%20full%20of%20love%20and%20guidance,%20gave%20me%20the%20virtual%20slap%20in%20the%20face%20I%20needed%20and%20reminded%20me,%20once%20again%20that%20%20%20I%20DID%20NOT%20CAUSE%20THIS.%20%20THIS%20IS%20NOT%20MY%20FAULT.%20IT%20IS%20NOT%20BECAUSE%20OF%20SOMETHING%20I%20DID%20OR%20BECAUSE%20OF%20SOMETHING%20I%20SHOULD%20HAVE%20DONE.%20%20%20I%20had%20an%20%E2%80%9CAha%20moment%E2%80%9D%20and%20suddenly%20my%20fight%20changed.%20%20I%20stopped%20beating%20myself%20up.%20I%20stopped%20trying%20to%20make%20my%20body%20something%20it%20wasn%E2%80%99t%20or%20twist%20my%20brain%20to%20think%20in%20a%20way%20it%20didn%E2%80%99t.%20I%20accepted%20what%20the%20illness%20was%20putting%20me%20through,%20looked%20for%20ways%20to%20make%20it%20through%20the%20dark%20days,%20and%20took%20medication%20to%20help%20my%20body%20survive.%20%20Somewhere%20along%20the%20way,%20recovery%20happened.%20The%20light%20at%20the%20end%20of%20the%20tunnel%20appeared.%20%20%20Several%20weeks%20ago,%20I%20sat%20in%20my%20doctor%E2%80%99s%20office%20as%20we%20set%20out%20a%20plan%20of%20action%20for%20cutting%20down%20my%20meds.%20%20To%20say%20I%20was%20nervous%20to%20start%20is%20an%20understatement.%20I%20hadn%E2%80%99t%20been%20eating%20well%20and%20insomnia%20had%20crept%20back%20in.%20Perhaps%20now%20wasn%E2%80%99t%20the%20time.%20%20My%20doctor%20smiled%20when%20I%20outlined%20all%20the%20upcoming%20life%20challenges%20that%20lie%20ahead%20for%20my%20husband%20and%20I.%20%20%E2%80%9CHow%20you%E2%80%99re%20feeling,%20Sandy%E2%80%A6.is%20quite%20a%20normal%20reaction%20to%20stress%20like%20that.%E2%80%9D%20%20%20%20Well%20I%E2%80%99ll%20be.%20Normal.%20%20%20I%20think%20it%E2%80%99s%20pretty%20poignant%20to%20realize%20I%20had%20to%20accept%20that%20I%20needed%20the%20anti-depressants%20before%20being%20able%20to%20even%20contemplate%20living%20without%20them.%20There%20is%20the%20possibility%20that%20I%E2%80%99ll%20hit%20a%20point%20where%20I%20can%E2%80%99t%20decrease%20any%20further%20and%20I%E2%80%99ll%20have%20to%20continue%20to%20take%20them.%20I%20know%20that,%20if%20that%20happens,%20it%E2%80%99s%20because%20my%20body%20isn%E2%80%99t%20making%20something%20it%20needs,%20not%20because%20I%20failed%20or%20because%20I%20am%20weak.%20I%20know%20now%20that%20I%20am%20strong,%20whether%20I%20take%20a%20daily%20pill%20or%20not.%20%20I%E2%80%99m%20six%20weeks%20into%20cutting%20down%20and%20my%20first%20week%20of%20one%20a%20day%20is%20almost%20up.%20%20I%E2%80%99ve%20been%20paying%20extra%20close%20attention%20to%20my%20sleep%20patterns%20and%20emotions,%20still%20scared%20of%20going%20backwards.%20I%E2%80%99ve%20made%20sure%20to%20focus%20on%20self-care.%20%20I%E2%80%99ve%20had%20a%20few%20wobbly%20moments%20but%20the%20journey%20is%20good%20so%20far.%20%20">#ppdarmy</a>, full of love and guidance, gave me the virtual slap in the face I
needed and reminded me, once again that </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<i><b>I DID NOT CAUSE THIS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I DID OR BECAUSE OF
SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE DONE. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
I had an “Aha moment” and suddenly my fight changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stopped beating myself up. I stopped trying
to make my body something it wasn’t or twist my brain to think in a way it didn’t.
I accepted what the illness was putting me through, looked for ways to make it
through the dark days, and took medication to help my body survive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
Somewhere along the way, recovery happened. The light at the
end of the tunnel appeared. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
Several weeks ago, I sat in my doctor’s office setting out
a plan of action for cutting down my meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To say I was nervous to start is an understatement. I hadn’t been eating
well and insomnia had crept back in. Perhaps now wasn’t the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My doctor smiled when I outlined all the
upcoming life challenges that lie ahead for my husband and I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“How you’re feeling, Sandy.is quite a normal
reaction to stress like that.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
Well I’ll be. <i><b>Normal. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
I think it’s pretty poignant to realize I had to accept that
I needed the anti-depressants before being able to even contemplate living
without them. There is the possibility that I’ll hit a point where I can’t
decrease any further and I’ll have to continue to take them. I know that, if
that happens, it’s because my body isn’t making something it needs, not because
I failed or because I am weak. I know now that I am strong, whether I take a
daily pill or not.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
I’m six weeks into cutting down and my first week of one a
day is almost up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been paying extra
close attention to my sleep patterns and emotions, feeling nervous when I cry or yell or don't feel hungry, still scared of going
backwards. I’ve made sure to focus on self-care.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
I’ve had a few wobbly moments but the journey is good so
far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-8797201159608211152012-03-31T19:19:00.000+01:002012-03-31T19:19:02.178+01:00The Time I can Never Get Back<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 42.55pt; margin-right: 54.4pt; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 8.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We sold the crib, the travel cot, and the stroller today. It triggered something
I thought I had addressed and accepted but clearly I still needed to grieve.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have never been one to go goo-ey and coo-ey when a newborn
is in the room.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There has only been one who, once I got over the fear that I
might break her, I couldn’t get enough of holding, engaging with, smiling at,
watching her during tummy time, or dozing away in her pack and play.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cheered as I watched her hit her milestones
and cried tears of joy the first time she waved to me. I still love to watch
videos of her, whether it’s when she was so tiny she’s nothing more than a
puffalump on her mother’s knee or when she’s singing her own version of a
Christmas carol. This girl has made my heart light up since the very first time
I laid eyes on her. Including those newborn days I was luckily enough to share
with her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This little girl is my beautiful, hilarious, spunky little
niece.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love her to bits.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did not get this with my daughter.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the midwives caught my baby girl and handed her over, I
was overcome with emotion and in awe of the miracle of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I loved her from the very beginning.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I still felt nothing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
_______________________________</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 4.75pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Make the most of every moment, cherish it, and enjoy it, as they’re
only this age once and it will be done before you know it,” </i>a stranger said
as I was standing in the baby section of a department store, just barely
holding myself together. I knew nothing about how to be a mom. I was convinced
that I would kill my baby by shear incompetence if not from some subconscious
action in an attempt to stop the dark thoughts from flooding through my head. I
was hating motherhood, sure I had made a drastic mistake, and absolutely
overwhelmed by the fact that I had no other greater responsibility than to make
sure I didn’t fuck this baby up, and worried that I might have already done so.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I blinked back tears and focused on the various maternity
tights I found myself in front of as the woman continued talking.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“The first two years
are the most important….”</i> I switched off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was all I could do not to just hand her my
baby girl and walk away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surely she knew
better than I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Based on the streams
of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“You’re so lucky”, “You must be in
heaven”,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Life must seem so wonderful
with her around”, “You must be enjoying your time together”</i> I’d been
hearing, everyone seemed to know how to do this better than me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t understand if <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everyone</i> else enjoyed it, why couldn’t I?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was wrong with me that I couldn’t adjust
to the new role like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everyone</i> around
me had? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I waited for it to get better. I played the “fake it till
you make it” role to the extreme, parenting by the book, hoping that one day
I’d get up and I’d do something just because it felt right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t feel one iota of mother’s
instinct.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I hadn’t had the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Baby Whisperer,</i> I would have been in
ruins.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
____________________________</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Those two years have been and gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned that I had an illness and it wasn’t
down to bad mothering. I got help. I took medication. I attended appointments.
I wrote. I got better. I continue to heal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I enjoy my daughter’s company sometimes. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 8.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(Do normal moms enjoy
their kids’ company all the time?) </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the fact remains that my daughter isn’t a baby and never
will be again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will never ever get
that time back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate that I will never
hold my little baby girl in my arms and not want to put her down. I won’t know
what it feels like to stare at her face for hours and enjoy every minute of
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My chest never filled with pride the
first time she rolled over or sat on her own. The only hope I have is that
someday I will look at the millions of pictures we have of her baby days and I
will cry the tears of joy I should have when those moments happened. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://notjusttheblues.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/i-missed-my-connection.html">I missed my baby</a>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That will forever break my heart. </div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-63493339763644315082012-03-03T18:51:00.000+00:002012-03-03T18:51:00.749+00:00It's Time to Live Again<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am waking up. The fog is clearing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I laugh naturally. I get songs in my head. I make decisions.
But I’ve still got a long way to go.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Small things that I used to take in stride are now hurdles looming
large in front of me. I conquer them, but it takes a lot of pep talking and
rather than leaping, I claw my way over using thousands of baby steps. This is
hard to get used to. I want to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i>
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was in the throes of this
battle, I knew better than to compare myself to the overachiever I once was.
Now that I can see the end is near, I want to find my way back to being <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that person</i> again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I shouldn’t be in a hurry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve tried to rush progress before and it
brought me to the brink of a relapse. I know it is better to take it one day at
a time and, if things are particularly rocky, to take them one moment at a time
instead.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If only <i>life</i> slowed down to make this
possible.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It doesn’t.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m impatient because life is speeding along and flying past
me while I continue to move at a snail’s pace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have clawed myself back from the deep dark depths of depression but if
I don’t step up my game soon, I will find myself crushed by life itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to be able to plan ahead. I need to
regain my self confidence. I need to capture my initiative, reignite my
creativity, take chances, move out of my comfort zone, and live again. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Surviving</i>
is all well and good but there’s no passion behind it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is mind numbing. It is soul destroying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Above all, I need to find <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the happy</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a romantic.
I lived with my heart on my sleeve, following it even when my mind told me to
sit still and keep my mouth shut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This illness made me apathetic and without fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be passionate again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get out of bed in the morning because the alarm goes
off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to get up for something <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">real</i>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am sick of merely surviving, treading water. I am ready to
move forward. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just need to figure out how.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What makes me happy?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have no idea.</div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-64341501124378553382012-02-18T15:43:00.000+00:002012-02-18T15:43:19.590+00:0011 Questions (Better late than Never...)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="font-family: inherit; text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span> I was lucky and flatter to be tagged by the lovely <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/story3girl">Story</a> <a href="http://hardtomommy.blogspot.com/2012/02/11-questions.html">(Sometimes It's Hard) </a>to answer her 11 questions. T</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Aharoni;">he rules of the game are pretty simple. I answer her questions, then
pick 11 people to answer 11 questions of my own choosing. She asked my</span><span> eons ago but I'm finally getting around to publishing my answers:</span><b><span> </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
<b><span> 1. Why
do you blog? What inspired you to start?</span></b> </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>The short answer: I blog to share my story. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
The slightly longer one: When I was first diagnosed with postpartum
depression, I found it immensely hard to believe that anyone else could ever
feel the way I was feeling. It was meeting others who had not only been through
it, but had managed to recover from it that gave me the courage to fight. I
made a promise to myself that, when I was strong enough, I would share my story
so that others would realize they weren’t alone. Since starting the blog, I’ve
been lucky enough to connect with many other women who are sharing their
stories too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a plus side I hadn’t
expected from blogging; that these women have let me know I’m not alone either.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>2.</b> </span><b style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">What are you proudest of in your life
right now?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
I’m going through a huge crisis of
confidence right now so this is possibly the toughest question I could have
been asked. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
If I focus on my proudest recent moment, it
is organizing a short family trip to London, including spending an afternoon in
the city with just my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pre-momhood, I wouldn’t give a second thought to planning such a thing,
but doing it this time meant tackling the hurdles of indecision, insomnia,
anxiety, and self-doubt.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">3. What trait do you admire most in
others? Why?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
Self confidence, for sure. You can conquer almost
anything you’ve set out to do if you believe in yourself. And when it doesn’t
work out, if you are confident you tried your best, it’s easier to dust
yourself off and try again or explore a new direction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think self confident people are happy
people.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">4. If you could meet one "big"
or "famous" blogger in real life, who would it be?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
Someday I’d like to give Katherine Stone of
Postpartumprogress.com a great big hug and thank her for being her awesome self
and for everything wonderful about that site.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">5. How do you balance blogging and
social media with the rest of your life?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
I’m not sure I’d use the word balance, but
real life definitely comes first, blogging last.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I connect with family and friends using
social media. I couldn’t live so far away from them without using it as
regularly as I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
I originally joined twitter to give me a
place to not think about being a mom. Ironically, the main reason I have
continued to use it is for #ppdchat and the #ppdarmy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That has been a catalyst in my recovering.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
I write as a form of therapy but I don’t
publish everything I write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I aim to
blog once a week but if it doesn’t happen, that’s okay. Lately I’ve been
focussing on getting better so I can be a good wife, mom, and friend so
blogging has been put on the backburner. I’ve got a list of topics I plan on
covering at some point though.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">6. What is the biggest source of support
in your life? How did you find it?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
My husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We’ve been through a lot but somehow he’s still by my side, believing in
me (and in us) even when I don’t. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">7. When you were a kid, what did you say
you wanted to be when you grew up?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
I really wanted to be an actress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or a Rockette.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stopped going to dance lessons when I was
about eight but continued with theatre for a long time.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">8. What would you do for fun or self care,
if you could do anything you wanted?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
This is a question that should be easy to
answer but sadly isn’t. I’ve spent so long doing things I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have</i> to do that I no longer know what I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want</i> to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If money wasn’t
an object, I’d travel more. There’s so much more of the world I want to
see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On a more realistic front, I’ve
recently re-discovered my love of people watching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give me a coffee and a park bench in the
middle of the city, and I’m pretty content.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">9. If you could bring just one book with
you to a desert island, what book would it be?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
I absolutely love to read so was a little
surprised to come up empty when I first thought about this question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My taste in books varies from Twilight to Derrida,
depending on my mood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For desert island
reading, I’ll choose “It’s Not About the Bike” by Lance Armstrong. I’ve re-read
it several times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It reminds me that
overcoming hurdles can make you stronger and that fighting does make you a
warrior, no matter the outcome. I can always use that sort of inspiration.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">10. Do you prefer cake or pie?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
Cake. But don’t put fruit in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I say, if I’m choosing a big slice of unhealthy
cake goodness, don’t mess it up with jam filling or fruit topping just so you
can pretend it’s good for me.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">11. What is your favorite word? Why?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
Hmmm. Let’s go with “shattered,” though I
sound ridiculous saying it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The English use
it to describe being absolutely exhausted. I think it paints the picture well
just by enunciation alone.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
I've tagged 11 more people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take
part if you want. If you’ve already done it, please leave me a comment with the
link because I clearly missed it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it’s
not your thing, that's absolutely fine. If I haven’t tagged you and you want to have a
go at the questions, knock yourself out and comment with that link too.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
Michelle from <a href="http://mpkmamma.blogspot.com/">The Days are Long but the Years are Short</a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/ErickaWaller1">Ericka</a> from <a href="http://muminthesouth.blogspot.com/">Mum's the word</a>
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/frelle">Jenna</a> from <a href="http://www.mademorebeautiful.com/">Made More Beautiful</a> </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/ourarmswideopen">Grace</a> from <a href="http://www.arms-wide-open.squarespace.com/">Arms Wide Open</a>
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/lotsOspermies">Pamela </a>at <a href="http://www.spermiestyle.com/">2 Much Testosterone</a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/1914house">Tammi </a>at <a href="http://www.1914house.blogspot.com/">1914 house</a> </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/wantmymummy">Clara</a> at <a href="http://www.iwantmymummy.co.uk/">www.iwantmymummy.co.uk</a> </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/MammasaurusBlog">Mammasaurus</a> at <a href="http://mammasaurus.co.uk/">www.mamasuarus.co.uk</a> </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/notjustaboutwee">Yuz</a> at <a href="http://www.notjustaboutwee.com/">www.notjustaboutwee.com</a> </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/Ithylkalina">Helen</a> at <a href="http://ithylkalina.wordpress.com/">Attempted Suicide: An Attempy at Recovery</a> </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/eringoettsch">Erin</a> at <a href="http://mgoetts.blogspot.com/">Happy Noise</a> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
My 11 Questions: </div>
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li> <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>What’s your favourite birthday memory?</li>
<li>What is your favourite scar and why?</li>
<li>What’s the best thing that has happened today? </li>
<li>Where do you spend most of your “me time?</li>
<li>What’s the one thing about motherhood you wish
someone had warned you about?</li>
<li>What is the one thing about motherhood you’re
glad you didn’t know ahead of time?</li>
<li>Where is your favourite running route? (I<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>think almost all of you run, but choose a walking
route if you prefer)</li>
<li>If they made playgrounds for adults, what
apparatus would you like to use most?</li>
<li>What’s the last thing that made you laugh out
loud?</li>
<li>Coffee or tea? (My own little experiment on
UK/US stereotypes)</li>
<li>And finally, because I may be a
mom but I’m still not mature when it comes to farts...</li>
</ol>
What’s your most memorable story involving “windy
pops?”
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-75048983633791355842012-02-03T22:13:00.000+00:002012-02-03T22:13:55.771+00:00Unpredictability and the Anxiety Hurdle<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My Kid is unpredictable. Parenting is hard. It doesn’t
always go to plan. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The best thing to do is to roll with it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It probably goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway,
that this is much much easier said than done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Especially since other people can be so <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">judgy</i>. <span style="font-size: 8.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Add to that my own expectations, plus a huge helping of post
partum anxiety, and well, I was a walking disaster.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the beginning I just didn’t go out. Oh sure, I popped around
to the corner store or down the street to pick up take out, but this was always
without my daughter. The idea that I could be somewhere <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with her</i> and things could take a direction I couldn’t predict was positively
crippling. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I couldn’t stay inside forever. It was good for my
daughter to see the world around her and, according to the various health
visitors, community nurses, and counsellors I had visiting me, it would be good
for me as well. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, with my chest feeling like it was in a vice, I left the
house, with a list of questions running like a ticker tape through my mind. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; tab-stops: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What if I stay out too long and her nap is
too short? </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; tab-stops: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or she sleeps longer so eats later? </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; tab-stops: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or she needs a change and I’m near a place
with a changing area? </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt; tab-stops: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What if she cries and I have no idea what to
do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You may think these thoughts are normal and you just adapt and
do your best, and I did. But the dark thoughts would always begin. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 42.55pt; margin-right: 111.1pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">She’s </i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">not</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> being unpredicatable, you’re just not a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">good</b> enough mother to </i>understand<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> her.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 42.55pt; margin-right: 111.1pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 42.55pt; margin-right: 89.8pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A </i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">good</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> mother can tell what her baby was trying to
tell her</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 42.55pt; margin-right: 89.8pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A </i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">good</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> mother would be able to make her stop
crying.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A </i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">good</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> mother would have this situation under
control.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would do my best to talk myself out of it, remind myself that
it was only me that was bothered.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, inevitably, I’d notice the looks or I’d overhear comments
like “How can such a loud noise come from such a little thing,” and I’d realise
that actually people did notice. The dark thoughts would then spin into over
drive:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How dare you think you’re fit enough to take care of such a helpless
being?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 42.55pt; margin-right: 75.65pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Don’t you realise that everyone around you is miserable because of your
inadequacy?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 42.55pt; margin-right: 75.65pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They can tell you know……………<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">That
you shouldn’t be a mother.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 42.55pt; margin-right: 82.75pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If you don’t figure out how to make her happy soon, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">they will take her away.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nine times out of ten, my daughter was crying because she
was tired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once she was asleep, all
would be fine. For her and for all those around. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But not for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The thoughts would keep coming.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You just got lucky. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Your night is going to be hell now.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What were you thinking?!?!</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You won’t get any <a href="http://notjusttheblues.blogspot.com/search/label/insomnia">sleep</a>.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They might still take her away because they saw how clueless you are.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As my daughter grew, I got used to the vice grip on my chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found a way to bottle up and block the
thoughts away so I could make it through the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, at night, they flooded over me,
recreating the scene and reminding me how badly I had handled it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can actually feel my chest tightening now as I write this,
remembering with all too much clarity, many many times when it practically broke
me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I get better, I realise that yes, I am kidding myself if
I think other people don’t notice when little miss kicks off in public, especially
now that she’s two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hell, even the doctor
let her leave with a toy from his office the other day because of the tantrum
she started throwing when I told her it was time to leave.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The difference is now I’m realising I actually know my little
girl and I do everything I do for her out of love and that’s really all that
matters. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will make plenty of mistakes.
She will throw plenty more curve balls in my direction. Neither of us is
perfect and that’s okay. We’ll get through it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Those judgy people can raise their kids how they want and
vent to others about what they may have witnessed. I took my daughter out and
split a <a href="http://britishfood.about.com/od/eorecipes/r/flapjack.htm">flapjack</a> recently, but the mom who commented about it doesn’t need to
hear my justification for it and it doesn’t make me a bad mom because I didn’t
give her a healthy snack instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know
that my girl calms down fastest when give her a bit of space and let her do it
in her own time, but again, I didn’t need to explain this to the mom who tried
to rationalise with her in the midst of her meltdown in the museum. That mom
doesn’t need to explain to me why she thought her approach would work either. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t think I will ever erase the demon thoughts that
haunted me. However, I hope that the cringe-worthy moments that happen from now
on will not bring me to my knees. Perhaps some will be worth retelling to other
parents to remind them we’re not perfect and neither are these little humans we’re
raising.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think a lot of us worry about
the judgy ones and sometimes they do get the best of us, especially when they
turn out in numbers. However, I realise I am doing the best I can. My daughter
loves me and I love her. We’ll get through the bumps because of it.</div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-55353928157324058602012-01-13T20:00:00.000+00:002012-01-13T20:00:34.111+00:00An Open Message to PPD (AKA PND)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
I know you’re still there, lurking in the shadows and
waiting to pounce.
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On bad days like today, you remind me of what I used to be
and just how far I’ve have fallen. You tell me I am worthless, that I don’t
deserve anything more, and that my child will never respect me for what I do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You twist every one of my thoughts into a reason to hate myself.
You turn them into reasons to not exist.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 70.9pt; margin-right: 82.75pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“You are a horrible, boring, pessimistic person with no passion, no
creativity, and no love to give. No wonder no one wants to be around you. That’s
why the phone never rings. That is why you spend your time alone.” </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 70.9pt; margin-right: 82.75pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 70.9pt; margin-right: 82.75pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“You are broken.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 70.9pt; margin-right: 82.75pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br />
“You cannot be fixed.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 70.9pt; margin-right: 82.75pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 70.9pt; margin-right: 82.75pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“You do not deserve to make decisions for yourself. You are not the
protagonist in your own life story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
do not matter.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 70.9pt; margin-right: 82.75pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 70.9pt; margin-right: 82.75pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“It’s no wonder you’re back at the bottom. You were spineless enough to
let them put you there. You are worthless enough so they’ll keep you there. They
are laughing at you.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your words cut deep and leave scars so even on the good days
I question my worth. I wonder how my husband can look at me with anything but
distaste. I don’t attempt to reconnect with friends. I feel out of shape and
ugly. I have withdrawn. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tell myself that of course I am worth something and that I
look fine. I remind myself that I haven’t withdrawn; I’m just fighting an
illness. I remember that my versatility has helped me survive. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I take a break.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I breathe out the bad and breathe in the good.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sit in a room and cry.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sit in a different room and cry.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sit in the dark and cry.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been long enough.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am fighting hard to leave you behind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You cannot possibly be strong enough to beat me down.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You want me to give up and to give in. You want me to
withdraw from others so I sink deeper into the hole you have dug for me. You
want me to believe all those terrible lies and twisted truths you fill my brain
with. You thrive on it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I am fighting against you. I go out in public and remind
myself that the anxiety is a mere whisper of what it used to be. I hold on to
my emotions, remembering there was a time when I felt nothing. I repeat these
victories over and over in my head as I take deep breaths and relax.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I do not avoid you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I write all of this down so I have to face what I’m feeling.
I type these words, bleary through my tears. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I have come a long way. I am so close to the end that
I can almost touch it, and I know that the last bit of the climb is always the
toughest. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You sneer at me when I lose my footing and tumble backwards
once again. I tell myself two steps forward and one step back is hard but it is
still progress. I fight harder.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The dark times do not get easier but they do not last as
long as they used to.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You won today.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there’s always tomorrow.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And at some point I will kick your ass.</div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-11420033988115268702011-12-18T21:04:00.000+00:002011-12-18T21:04:24.600+00:00Too Far Too Fast<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It all started a few weeks ago…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Things were going pretty well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was taking things one moment and one day at
a time. I wasn’t even thinking about being depressed or worried about the
depression coming back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was well and
truly surviving. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, at a regular doctor’s appointment, I was asked a
relatively routine question, “How are you feeling in yourself?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Okay,” I responded and then smiled because, for the first
time in a long time, I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</i> doing
okay. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Really</i> okay. Not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I don’t want to go into hospital okay </i>or
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I don’t want to sound like a bad mom okay
</i>or any of the other versions of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">putting
on a positive front okay</i> I’d used before. I was alright and had been for a
while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His next question, and my
subsequent answer, had me on cloud nine. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“When do you think you started getting better?” I thought
about it and smiled again. I’d been out of that weird depressive fog for a few
months!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was amazing. I was not well
yet but I was certainly on my way and the changes were finally noticeable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, after 16 weeks on a waiting list, a therapist finally
called to administer one of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">those </i>tests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Part one was full of questions rating how I’d felt about
things in the last couple weeks. Result: I had my down days but actually it put
me in the normal range. Brilliant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
taken various forms of this test since first seeking help and I had never
before been even close to normal. In fact, if I’d been called a week or two
after my referral, I have no doubt I would’ve been off the charts. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Part two: how does the depression affect your daily life. My
results had the therapist asking me if I needed to be more honest with my
questions in part one. Nope, I’d been honest. It was true, in the last two
weeks I’d been fine. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But when the depression does hit, it is bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course it affects everything. In the past
two years I have done little more than survive because it’s all I’ve been able
to handle. Putting one foot in front of the other is all I could manage and,
even though I’ve been feeling pretty okay the last few months, that is still
all my life is about. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Survival.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since I tested “normal,” I don’t qualify for one to one care
I have been waiting for. I am on my own to make it from feeling better to
actually being well again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before
hanging up, the therapist was wonderful. She practically prescribed <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">finding
happiness</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>and has sent me a
series of CBT ‘workbooks’ so I can essentially give myself therapy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She advised things I’ve been telling myself, that my husband
has been telling me, and that various <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/search/%23ppdchat">ppdchat</a> ladies have mentioned to me
before. I need to do things <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">for myself</i></b> and I need to do them <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">without
feeling guilty</i></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s gone beyond
the small things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been taking naps,
making cups of tea, watching girly movies, reading books, and various other
little things since my baby was a few days old. They have been sanity savers but
they are not enough. They help me remember I am human and are immensely important
but they fall short of what I really really need.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I need time to shut off and re-charge. I am either on mom
duty, at work, or on my way from one to another all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Part of me knows that yes, of course I need time to myself.
The other part reminds me that she naps and sleeps so well that I get loads of
time without her. I’m at work four days a week so that’s even more time when I’m
not around. Surely it’s not too much to ask for me to spend the rest of the
time with her or with my husband or with all of us doing things as a family
unit?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Apparently it is. I have only been ‘off duty’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>from everything a handful of times in the
past two years and each and every time I vow to make it a regular part of my routine.
Then life gets in the way, my resolve wanes, and I’m not getting better because
of it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s been two weeks and, despite numerous suggestions from the
#ppdarmy, I have still yet to come up with one thing that would make me happy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m too busy feeling horrendously guilty that
having a family doesn’t make me happy enough. I wish I could just get over
myself, realise I have so much more than many other women that manage to make
it work and to be happy doing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why can’t I feel happy with a f**king glass of wine in a bubble bath after
a long day like a normal woman would?!?!?!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sunday morning is now mine to do with what I wish and step
one is to make it out for a run. Once a week isn’t really enough for training
and it will actually be much more difficult to get back in shape this way but
for now it’s not supposed to be about that, it’s supposed to be to give me a
break. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have also set aside one night a week for ‘writing as
therapy.’ I tried to write on Thursday but after 1600 words of skirting the
issue of selfcare, I realised I wasn’t actually ready to share how hard it is
for me to do something nice for myself without feeling incredibly guilty.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went to bed feeling low and even worse the next day. This
morning I woke up with a sore throat so missed out on my weekly run. Mentally,
I’ve sunk again. I feel as though I’ve failed on week one of caring about me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">KNOW </i></b>I won’t get better until I
start realising I matter. Taking time out for me will actually make me a better
wife and mother and yet I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. But even now, as
I write this, I’m trying to type as fast as I can so I don’t miss out on
quality time with my husband. I am in a mental tug of war as part of me knows
if I don’t get this out, I could very well relapse and the other part of me
thinks if I spend one more minute wallowing, I might lose him forever.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve got two big hurdles that have become abundantly clear
since I started getting better enough to think straight. I need to find to find
happiness and I need to restore a relationship that is in tatters after two
years of surviving with PPD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my
eagerness to call myself well, I tried to tackle both at once this week and I’m
suffering as a result. Seeing life in a normal light again makes me all the
more aware of how damaging depression really is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be better. I do not want to walk
the lonely road from the beginning again. I know I have to go back to baby
steps but I am petrified baby steps just won’t be enough.</div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-46313651599589916992011-11-23T21:46:00.001+00:002011-11-25T12:40:35.014+00:00My PPD - Not as Seen on TV<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
When I looked at the “those at risk of postpartum depression”
categories, it was like reading a checklist of my life:
I’d had a miscarriage. I live an ocean away from my family. I’d lost my mom several years before. I had
job issues and financial worries. I am a perfectionist. The possibility of developing PPD was definitely
a real one.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I had a plan.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I believe that the more you know, the better your ability to
make good choices. When I got pregnant, I
think I learned more about the way things could go wrong than I did about the
perfect birth and baby. Reading about
the not so pretty side seemed like a good way to be prepared for reality.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Despite this, my impression of postpartum depression was
pretty limited. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The commercials for various anti-depressants I’d seen and articles
I’d read on how to combat depression seemed to paint a picture of me sitting in
a room in my pyjamas, with the blinds closed, for days on end. When I had been grieving, I wasn’t too far
off this. I ate very little, cried a
lot, and the concoctions I called outfits were cringe-worthy and closely
resembled sleepwear. However, I’d pulled myself out of that with a bit of counselling
and a lot of walking and running to clear my head. If this was postpartum depression, then it
seemed like it would be easy enough to avoid as long as I remained focussed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, I also had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the
other</i> picture of postpartum depression in my head. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This one, seen in several Lifetime movies and various crime
investigation shows, was that if I were to develop PPD, I would hate my baby so
much that I’d either drive myself and her off a nearby bridge or I’d end up
abandoning her on some church doorstep and running for the hills. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As much as it kills me to say it, even with this impression
swimming in my head, I still honestly thought that as long as I was prepared
and worked hard enough, I could manage to avoid postpartum depression all
together. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My plan:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">- Work as a team with my husband so we both managed solid chunks of
sleep.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">- Get up and get dressed every day.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">- Get ‘me time’ every day, even
if it was for just five minutes. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">- Begin walking, then running as soon as I felt able so fresh air and
exercise were a regular part of my life.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">- Be honest about being a mom and not put on a plastic smile and brave
face.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">- Utilise my resources – get as much information and help as I could from
health visitors, my doctor, and my friends as I could. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">- Not have unreasonable expectations, understand that I would make
mistakes, that parenting is a learning process.
</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">- Recognise and accept the baby blues and not freak out if I felt more
emotional than I expected.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">- If I started to see warning signs, I would get help immediately</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The list looks alright, doesn’t it? Sure, a bit of it is easier said than done,
but it’s not completely off the mark. I
actually think this list probably would have helped a lot in my adjustment to
parenthood if I hadn’t had postnatal depression. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Here’s the kicker though. It didn’t matter that I got dressed everyday and
exercised regularly. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It got in anyway. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: -2.3pt; tab-stops: 16.0cm; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Washing our hands may keep us from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">constantly</b> getting sick but it won’t
keep us from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">ever</b> getting sick.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s taken me a long time to realise and accept this about
postpartum depression. (Honestly, I’m still working on it) I didn’t miss a step in the preventative
process. This illness strikes despite<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>our strengths, not because of our weaknesses. Then, once it gets in there, it’s like some
evil <a href="http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Boggart">boggart</a> out of Harry Potter, striking us all slightly differently, using
our weak points against us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My daughter was a couple of months old before I started to
wonder if what I was feeling was postpartum depression. I didn’t feel right but
I sure didn’t feel like what I’d seen on TV.
I didn’t feel remotely like I did after my mother died either. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Grieving my mom makes me feel like my whole heart is
breaking into a thousand pieces. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Postpartum Depression, on the other hand, sucked <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all
feeling</i></b> out of me. Detached and
numb from the world, I longed to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feel</i>
something. Some drive. Some
passion. Love. Anger. Hate. Sadness. All of it was sapped up by this horrible despicable
illness. I looked at my daughter and felt nothing, then immediately felt guilty
for feeling that way and not being able to fix it. I was paranoid that I would somehow harm her
just through shear neglect because I was too numb and fuzzy headed to be a
proper mother. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When PPD struck, I thought the world and most certainly my
daughter and husband would be better off without me. I wished things would just. Stop. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I had no plans to harm or abandon my daughter. I was so absolutely
paranoid about anything bad actually happening to her that I could barely leave
her side without having a near panic attack. I also knew I wouldn’t actually
hurt myself as, frankly, I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">couldn’t be bothered</i></b>. It was hard
enough getting out of bed, much less planning my own end. I could tell I didn’t
feel <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">right</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>but I was <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sure </i></b>this wasn’t PPD. I chalked
it up to exhaustion and the baby blues.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thanks to friends and family that had been brutally honest
about their first few days as mothers, I knew baby blues could be pretty
rough. I’d even read articles that had defined
baby blues as “mild postpartum depression.”
In these stories, after several days of crying and not knowing what to
do, the mothers finally realised they had a job to do and that someone was
depending on them. They dried their
tears and got on with it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have spent <s>hours</s> <s>days</s> <s>weeks</s> months of the last
year and a half beating myself up because I couldn’t brush myself off, suck it
up, and just get on with things. Here’s what
it’s taken me that long to learn:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 2.0cm; margin-right: 54.4pt; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: center;">
I
CAN’T JUST ‘SUCK IT UP’ BECAUSE I HAVE POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. </div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 2.0cm; margin-right: 54.4pt; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: center;">
IT
IS NOT BECAUSE I AM A BAD MOTHER.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even with support, it has been a rough journey. If dusting
myself off and getting on with it had been an option, I would have taken it
long ago. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My daughter was a few months old when I started to wonder if
I may have postpartum depression. My
misconceptions had me stuck thinking I was “not that bad” and “I just need to
learn how to deal.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It took me several
more weeks to finally muster up the courage to look up symptoms online. I took a
test and scored off the charts. I got
help a few days later. I’m thankful I began my journey to recovery before the
symptoms got any worse than they did. It
terrifies me to think that, if I hadn’t gotten help it might have (Really I’m
sure it would have) progressed to a point where I felt there was no other way
out than to end it myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful I’m getting my life back but
I can’t help but wish I’d been aware of the real symptoms sooner.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">You can find an excellent list of
postpartum depression <a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety-in-plain-mama-english">symptoms</a> at postpartum progress.</span></i><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;"> I've added this post to '<a href="http://booandme.co.uk/2011/11/25/an-amazing-thing/">An Amazing Thing </a>,' at Boo and Me, along with many other strong women sharing their stories of PND.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://a-helping-hand.info/about/"><img alt="" border="0" height="92" src="data:image/png;base64,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" width="320" /></a> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">She has set this raffle with some amazing prizes, all raising funds for the <a href="http://www.joebingleymemorialfoundation.org.uk/">Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation</a></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></i></div>
<a href="http://a-helping-hand.info/about/"></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">. </span></i></div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-77983407171810016522011-10-26T22:18:00.002+01:002011-11-02T21:21:12.563+00:00Music Therapy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last week, Mammywoo wrote yet another <a href="http://misslexywoo.wordpress.com/2011/10/20/music-as-therapy/">fantastic post</a>, and made a little game we could all play. Okay, so technically it's a meme. I'm new and on the fringes of the blogging world but I understand enough to know that <i>usually</i>, you'd get tagged in a meme. Wellllll, I like music too much to stand on the sidelines and wait to be tagged. I'm running out and playing with everyone anyway. <br />
<br />
<b>Sooo, the rules:</b><br />
<br />
<i>3 Songs</i><br />
<i>3 different artists</i><br />
<i>3 sets of lyrics that touch you in anyway you want to show</i><br />
<br />
I love music. I like to sing, I like to dance. There was a time when I would sit on my bed with the cassette sleeve unfolded and draped across my lap, reading the lyrics as I listened to my favourite songs. Since insrumentals, score just as highly in my book, I've chosen songs where the music speaks to me as much as the lyrics.<br />
<br />
<b>Here are my three:</b><br />
<br />
1) <u>Flogging Molly, Whistles the Wind</u><br />
<u><br /></u><br />
I listened to this a lot last year, staring blankly into space and just letting the words roll over me. It's almost as if like pulled it out of my head...<br />
<br />
" ....My isolation, now there's a sobering thought<br />
A minute alone, a lifetime too long<br />
See the face in this mirror, so pale it could crack<br />
Desperately wanting the color it lacks<br />
<br />
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way<br />
The beauty in life, where's it gone?<br />
And somebody told me, you were doing okay<br />
Somehow I guess they were wrong.... "<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/orjr0BR1I1g" width="480"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
Oddly enough , this song brings up a happy memory of watching this band with good friends of mine back in Boston, two of us raising our pints high and singing as loudly as we could along with the rest of the crowd.<br />
<br />
2) <u>Taylor Swift, The Best Day</u><br />
<br />
This song makes me think of my mom. I cry each and every time I listen to it.<br />
<br />
"I'm five years old, it's getting cold, I've got my big coat on<br />
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run<br />
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold<br />
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home<br />
<br />
I don't know why all the trees change in the fall<br />
But I know you're not scared of anything at all<br />
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away<br />
But I know I had the best day with you today..."<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Hq4W68_h6rw" width="480"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
Sometimes I make it to the last line. Tonight, when I listened to it before writing this, I was crying before the end of the first verse.<br />
<br />
3) <u>Street Dogs, Punk Rock and Roll</u><br />
<u><br /></u><br />
As much as the first two are quiet, slow, and sappy, for the most part I just love happy music. No deep meaning here. This song makes me smile and want to dance.<br />
<br />
"...I want a good feeling,<br />
Push and shove.<br />
I want a good feeling,<br />
Running in my blood.<br />
I want a good feeling,<br />
on the open road.<br />
I want a good feeling,<br />
Yeah lose control.<br />
<br />
Stay up all night, <br />
Got my friends and my music and we're feeling all right.<br />
Gonna stay up all night,<br />
Gonna live before we die...."<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/qQWobv8swkg" width="640"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
The Street Dogs always makes me feel better if I'm feeling a bit homesick. The first (and only) night out that my husband and I have had on our own since my daughter was born was to see them. We danced. My husband moshed. He cracked a rib. We had a blast.<br />
<br />
Okay, there's my list. I'm smiling after writing this and I do believe that was the point. Mammywoo, thanks for the therapy session suggestion. ;-)<br />
<br />
So how about you? What three would you choose? <br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://misslexywoo.wordpress.com/2011/10/20/music-as-therapy/"><img alt="" src="data:image/png;base64,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" /></a></div>
<br /></div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-17427205253515779052011-10-21T23:22:00.001+01:002011-11-06T19:59:35.472+00:00Does Anyone Really Have it All Together?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I wonder if yummy mummys cry when they’re alone at
night. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Horrible thought isn’t it?
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you know what’s even worse? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I kind of hope they do.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hope that sometimes they feel weak and scared and
overwhelmed by it all. It shouldn’t
matter and I actually think it’s pretty damn cruel to wish ill will on anyone,
but for my own sanity, when I see these wonderfully put together moms, I begin
to convince myself that at some point, when they’re sure no one is looking,
they have themselves a little melt down.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that makes me a horrible person but my brain cannot comprehend
how it is even possible to have <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everything in life</i></b> fall together<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> that</i></b>
well. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To have your hair and makeup done, nails flawlessly
manicured, free from chips and stains from the latest craft activity or pasta
dinner. Clothes spotless and creaseless, like the laundry is always done and
they have plenty of items that haven’t been drooled, snotted, or spit-up on and
a body that looks good in all of them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not talking about the moms who look perfect but haven’t
spent an ounce of quality time with their children. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m talking about the ones who are happily pushing their
toddlers on the swing as they chat away to all their other mummy friends about
the latest amazing art project they created or the completely organic meal they
plan on making from scratch later. The
ones who find the time to keep the house clean while giving their child every ounce
of attention they deserve. These women seem so completely distant from my reality
that I have only two theories to explain it:
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Option A:</b></u> <b>They’re
super women</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b> </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
I know a few mothers who fall
into this category. They are amazing. They
rarely have a bad day and when they do, they can easily find a silver
lining. Their children are thriving and
they are too. I will not fault them for
one second but I do envy them. I do not like the word envy (it is one of the seven
after all) but if I’m honest, I have to admit I wish I could live life like
they do – happy and completely fulfilled.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b>Option B:</b></u> <b>It’s an act</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b> </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
I know a few others like this
too. Frankly, I fell into this category for a while there in the beginning when
I was trying to convince myself everything was all fine and dandy. I was sure
that as long as I ticked the ‘tidy house,’ ‘play with child,’ ‘prepare meals,’ ‘exercise,’
‘teach child,’ boxes, that all would fall into place and I’d stop feeling so weird
and detached about things. However, while I might have been pulling all of
these things off on the outside, on the inside I was an absolute disaster, just
ticking my way closer and closer to complete and utter destruction.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 42.55pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I first admitted to my health visitor how I’d been feeling
and postnatal depression was explained to me (the real symptoms, not the crazy extremes
we see on TV) I felt nothing but relief.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I finally started to give myself a break. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here I am, at the end of a weird day. Not one of my worst but not one of my best
either. The beginning of the week threw
some serious triggers my way and I just barely managed to hold it together.
(Thanks once again to the amazing <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/search/%23ppdchat">#ppdchat</a> support!) Today my daughter has been a little more high
maintenance than usual. I struggled to
keep my cool at times and to not cry in front of her at others. When her bedtime came, I felt like a failure,
still having no idea what is wrong with her.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">What if she is really ill and I’ve
missed the signs? </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">What if I didn’t give her enough
attention today and she just needed a bit more love her way? </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I then took stock of
a mental to do list and realised I had to clean the shower. Yes really.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On a Friday night. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It needed it <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i></b> badly. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have neglected it <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that </i></b>long. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s clean now and my daughter is sleeping but I had myself
a little cry and have cracked open a beer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So that brings me back to my theory:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I need that cry, and feel the need for a take out or a
cheeky beverage after a day like today, those yummy mummys must feel the strain
at some point too right? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Honestly I do hope those women fall in the supermom category
as it’s nice to think that sometimes, if everything falls together right, life
can be downright amazing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, I do hope if they have taken option B, that they
learn to cut themselves some slack. I hope these women can stop for a second,
don sweats and grab a bowl of ice cream or go for a nice long run, whatever
they want to do just for them, not for what they think the world wants to see.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hate that sometimes I still feel the need to take Option B. I doubt anyone
would mistake me for a yummy mummy but in everywhere but on Twitter and this
blog, I try to keep moving like everything is just fine. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It isn’t. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am a mom of a toddler and I have postnatal depression. Those two stack up to some really shitty times. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had to let go of my perfectionist tendencies just so I’d
stop feeling like a complete failure each and every minute of each and every
day. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cry when I need it.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I run when I want to not because I feel I need to. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I let the housekeeping slip.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I rely on my husband to pick up the slack. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have learned that I shouldn’t feel guilty about this<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">. (But sometimes I still do)</span></i>
I have an illness and it takes a lot to get better. Without the illness, it still takes a hell of
a lot to be a parent. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you know a supermom, be sure to tell her just how
wonderful you think she is. I bet she doesn’t
hear it very often so even she may have doubts at times. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For those of you who have taken Option B, be brave and tell
someone when you are feeling overwhelmed. I bet you are surprised by the response
you get. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If, like me, you feel like you’re on the outside constantly
looking in, you are not alone. We are not alone. There are thousands of us fighting this fight
and although it feels like everyone else has it all together, not all of us do.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I certainly don’t.</div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-12193668874763404242011-10-13T22:59:00.001+01:002011-10-15T14:08:06.417+01:00These things I've learned...<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.theboyandme.co.uk/category/showoff-showcase/" target="_blank"></a>I turned another year older this week so couldn't help but
sit back and think about how the last year went. Of course, the difference is, this time last
year I was just barely beginning to come out of the deep dark fog of postnatal
depression. I struggle to remember what
I did last year for my birthday much less how I felt at the time. The answer, most likely, is numb. That’s the
odd part about all the days I have now where I’m sad and weepy or impatient and
completely pissed off at the situation – that’s actually progress. That numbness? That was the ppdemons winning.
Emotions? That’s me. A sappy romantic whether I want to admit it
or not. Lately I’ve had a few glimpses of my feisty old self and it’s nice to
know she’s still in there and that she’s fighting her way back out again. I’ve even had some good belly laughs with my
little girl recently. Ahhh, my humour. Now
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i></b>
is something I’ve missed. </div>
<div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
My point is my daughter and I, well, we’ve come a long way
baby. In light of the old me coming out
to join the new me and in celebration of the beginning of my new year, I’ve
decided to compile a list of the things I’ve learned since my daughter was born.
It’s by no means complete, but it’s a start. (Note: She’s 20 months, not a
year, but bear with me, it’s all a bit of a blur)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><u>I’ve learned that…</u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. if you let a newborn sleep as long as they’d like in the
day, their empty tummies and brand new lungs will make you pay for it at night.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. meconium is one of the stickiest, hard to clean
substances known to man. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. baby poo is actually relatively inoffensive until you
start them on solids</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. one does actually get used to being vomited on regularly. There were times I not only continued to wear
a shirt that had been spit up on but that I put it on again the following day.
(It <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</i> only milk after all…)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. a baby really does have different cries for tiredness,
hunger, fear, frustration, and wind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. you can never have too many muslins/burp cloths.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. cloth diapers come in handy as towels, change mat covers,
and burp cloths too.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. stain remover for cloth diapers is an
excellent way to get out stains, especially that crazy yellow newborn poo.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><u>I've learned that...</u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. it is actually possible to take thousands of photos
in just a few short months.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
.... a baby can start teething long before one actually
manages to cut through. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. having a spotless house isn’t always a first priority. In
fact, it’s actually lowest on the list right now and the house is still
generally tidy and organized.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. there are few things better than having a baby that can
soothe herself to sleep. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. a lot of good can come from baby books. I’m not sure how I
would have managed without consulting “The Baby Whisperer” on a regular basis.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. it’s handy to have a stroller and a baby carrier or sling
of some sort. They both have their advantages
and disadvantages.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. it is a lovely feeling to have a little one snuggled in
close and dozing on me while I walk around town.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><u>I've learned...</u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. that despite my deepest love for my baby girl, it was
still possible to feel nothing for her.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. that no matter what I do, I cannot get back those days I
lost when I was suffering from a most evil and heartless illness.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. that I must learn to forgive myself for those darkest of
days. That it wasn’t my fault.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. That it is possible to smile, to laugh, to interact even
when I am feeling nothing.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. that my little girl is funny and happy despite that fact
that her mother has been battling for all 20 months of her tiny little life.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<u><b>I've learned that... </b></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. my little girl is so decidedly textbook that those “what
to expect from your baby this week” blurbs are almost always right on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
….”Dada” will almost always be said before “mama.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. babies’ first rickety, jittery, teeter, tottery steps are
at once hilarious and exciting.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><u>I've learned that...</u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
.... even when you know you need it, asking for help is
one of the hardest things to do in the world.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. even once you get the help you need, there is no
quick fix, and certainly no easy options, when it comes to battling postnatal
depression. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
…. try as I might to be strong, this illness has had a
profound effect on my husband, my family, and my close friends.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
and</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<u><b>I've learned that</b>...</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
.... my husband, my family, and my close friends are some
of the most amazing and supportive people anyone could hope for. I love you all. You have been my saviours. xx</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.theboyandme.co.uk/category/showoff-showcase/" target="_blank"><img alt="ShowOff ShowCase" border="0" src="http://www.theboyandme.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/ShowOffShowCase.png" /></a></div>
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-85057589014289831222011-10-06T22:08:00.000+01:002011-10-06T22:08:11.711+01:00My Year as a Milk Machine<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before becoming a mom, I was relatively indifferent when it
came to breastfeeding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a formula
fed baby but I had no big ideals that swayed me one way or the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I figured I’d give it a go but if it didn’t
work out, we’d switch to formula. At the end of the day, it was about finding
the best way to give my baby the sustenance it needed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My little girl was just minutes old the first time I
breastfed her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t magical and no sparks
flew. However, I was amazed that by mere instinct, two novices were able to get
things lined up right so I was actually <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feeding</i>
her with something from my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It absolutely blew my mind. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It turned out things weren’t quite so perfect that first
feed and I ended up sore for days because of it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I was in the hospital, I asked a midwife
for help every time my daughter needed to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Usually a modest person, I stripped from the waste up and let them show
me what to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was still awkward, but
by the time I left I was relatively confident I could continue with breast
feeding when I got home.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then came <b>DAY FOUR</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The day my milk came in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
exhausted and an emotional disaster and at some point my daughter forgot how to
latch on. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sent a text message to my sister and she called with some
life (sanity) saving ideas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Within five minutes, baby was eating like a champ.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will be forever thankful for that phone
call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am also grateful it worked out
that easily for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feeding problem
solved. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 8.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(Day four was one of the worst days of
my life. Someday, when I am ready, it will likely form its own post)</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it was tiring. While I had figured out the basics of
breastfeeding, each session still took several attempts before she was actually
eating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to my birthing class, feeding
time was best for forming the bond with my new child so I spent each meal watching
my daughter, trying to memorize her face, feeling her tiny little fingers, stroking
her cheek to wake her when she dozed off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My body did seem to instinctually respond to this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The more I engaged my daughter, the more milk
I seemed to produce. Her meals often began with milk spurting uncontrollably
out of me like someone had stuck a pin in an over filled water balloon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’d stop, sputtering and coughing, turning her
head away. It was frustrating and humiliating to have to sit there, with a
cloth clamped to my nipple until it calmed down enough for my daughter to
continue her meal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’d wake up in the morning, my breasts so engorged they
didn’t look or feel normal anymore. I’d have to hand express a bit before my
lady could start her morning feed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
felt completely out of control of my own body. My entire existence seemed to be
to make and to deliver milk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I began expressing milk when my daughter was six weeks old.
If anything, this reinforced my feeling that I was nothing more than a milk
machine because now, when I wasn’t feeding my daughter, I was pumping. Sterilizing
bottles, labelling freezer bags, defrosting the next night’s feed, and rotating
the ‘stock’ was added to my daily routine. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was monotonous and exhausting. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the months rolled by and the routine began to feel ‘normal,’
switching to formula seemed like it would just add more work. I was battling insomnia
and exhaustion so sacrificing precious moments of rest to prepare a morning
bottle sounded like hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided I’d
rather sit in my zombie state for the twenty boring minutes while she ate. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus, it was saving us money. It was months
after my “must return to work” date, and I was still job hunting. It seemed
silly to add an extra expense as long as my body was instinctually producing
what my baby needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also felt I had an obligation to my daughter to feed her
for the first year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was no longer
about me finding a connection with my baby but just trying to do one thing
right for her. If for some reason, I wouldn’t be around for a feed, I made sure
to express, worried that my milk would dry up if I skipped just one time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would express at night for an hour or more,
just to collect (my skewed definition of) a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reasonable</i>
amount of milk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were days when I
had little or no appetite and my milk production would suffer. I’d beat myself
up for it, crying at the measly amount I’d managed to collect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clogged ducts were disgusting and painful but
I expressed my way through several of them, determined to have everything in
working order for my baby girl.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This sense of obligation was bordering on obsession and part
of me knew it but couldn’t stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a
friend of mine had told me she thought her child would wither and die if she
were to have formula instead of breast milk, I would have laughed and shook my
head at such nonsense. Yet I was certain this is exactly what would happen if I
my girl were to miss out on the nutritious <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Channel_Island_milk"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">gold top</i></b></a> (as my health visitor chose
to describe it) my mammary glands produced. I was so consumed with guilt over
not connecting with her that I felt the least I could do was continue to
breastfeed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can honestly say I didn’t enjoy breastfeeding, even if I did
give her breastmilk for a year. Expressing was a lot of work but in a lot of
ways it was easier for me than feeding her. I was happy to give the bottle to
anyone who wanted to feed her and I was relieved that she couldn’t care less
who held it as long as she got her milk. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt tremendously guilty for this and tried to make up for
it when actually breastfeeding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a
long time I clung to the fact that we were connecting on a primal level even if
I couldn’t feel it consciously. I needed that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Providing nutrition for her was my way of saying I was sorry for not
being the mom she deserved. Health visitors and counsellors kept telling me it
showed strength that I was still breast feeding. I didn’t believe it but I
wanted it to be true. Stopping wasn’t an option.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started weaning little miss at about ten months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By a year we were down to just the morning
feed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few weeks later, I stopped
breastfeeding all together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The bottle
was gone a week after that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been
cow’s milk in cups since. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All in all, it
was a painless transition. I was so happy for that chapter to be over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was like a weight had been lifted off my
shoulders.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t feel like this now. I’m glad I managed to feed her
for a year, but I wonder why I felt the need to put that pressure on myself
when I was dealing with so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
not once felt guilty about weaning her when I did and I can’t help but wonder
what took me so long. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I could
have recognized that the world (or my daughter) wouldn’t crumble if I’d stopped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is more to motherhood than milk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-56496060429294487792011-09-29T22:05:00.003+01:002011-09-29T22:25:57.643+01:00Patience and Boxing<b>“Keep it up and I’ll box your ears.”</b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t remember a time when my mom actually followed
through on this threat, yet I can almost feel the thwack, the blood rushing to
my head as the air pressure inside my ears increases ten fold, the involuntary
shudder and urge to punch back that comes with it. Gahhhh! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Aside from perhaps stepping on a plug, there are very few other
things that can simultaneously deliver such a combination of pain and
humiliation. So yeah, the memory of the
feeling is as clear as day despite no recollection of ever actually having my ears
boxed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is until recently.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When my daughter started doing it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Holy lord, it’s infuriating. Perhaps it was passed down
somehow, along with eye color and being able to raise one eyebrow. I’ve certainly
never even thought of using it as a threat much less acting on it. Yet, this
little menace, when things aren’t going quite the way she wants, will square her
shoulders, look me in the eye, cock back both arms and let fly, wacking both my
ears. Quite often my glasses end up wonky,
adding yet more insult to injury. After the
impact, I stand there as calmly as possible, sometimes shaking my head,
sometimes counting to ten, sometimes shouting that she needs to cut it out,
asking why on earth she thought that was the right thing to do. (Yes, I hate it
and always feel immediately guilty when that happens but somedays….oh somedays….)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know, I know. It’s a phase. Not every kid goes through it,
but most have some sort of behaviour that we have to tolerate while trying to
teach them that hitting, pinching, biting, etc. are wrong. This has not made it any easier. Okay, admittedly
there is a bit of difference in knowing this is part of her development as a
person and not that, despite my best efforts, she’s turned into some sort of
demon child. While I wrack my brain,
trying to think of ways to quell her frustration, explain situations, give her
alternatives, she seems remarkably calm about the whole thing. So far she seems
relatively unphased by my explanations that
“hand are not for hitting” and the jury is still out whether time outs
are even sinking in as a consequence for her actions yet. My only consolation is that she seems to
somewhat grasp that hitting is wrong and reserves it for me and, on rare
occasions, her Dad. Supposedly this is
some show of trust but sometimes I swear I see a glint in her eye and think she’s
taking advantage of an easy target, paying me back for not cuddling her enough
as a newborn. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Seriously though, I’ll take this over her
terrorizing other children or her key workers at nursery. So far so good.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So let’s say, by some magic of patience and perseverance, I find
a way to teach her right from wrong. How long do I have before I can tell her
to put her toys away without getting wacked up the side of my head? How long until my little girl stops throwing
her food across the room to signal the end of dinner DESPITE being able to say
all done for several months now? I’ve
actually stopped believing most of the theories but some books and friends have
been just helpful enough that I continue to hold out hope for the best. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every day is a struggle but someone always has a prediction
I cling to.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When she was born <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they</i>
told me six weeks, then it’s okay.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then it was “it’s more like 8 weeks”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then 12.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then 6 months. “Oh,
they are just lovely at 6 months,” I heard.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Wait till they’re walking”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Wait till they’re talking”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now it’s “you think this is bad, wait till she’s 2.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No way, that’s nothing. Three is way worse than two.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I saw a tweet where someone had said once you make it
through three, four is a dream. This is
what I’m holding on to. Four years
old. That’s just around the corner. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
Until then, I think I might have to start wearing a helmet.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijdIv3wciio2nhBQUqH0nBjjH9nB431rFO-zvl0AE7BC_aWC0TKBc_iyeMzdyuoHGoPi_sMMazic-I73CMQ6e_p7q6YfOs4I8U50dioWkQmJRjtTQXjNqFENojxNwc1EBxAf4l1K3fBOE/s1600/helmet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijdIv3wciio2nhBQUqH0nBjjH9nB431rFO-zvl0AE7BC_aWC0TKBc_iyeMzdyuoHGoPi_sMMazic-I73CMQ6e_p7q6YfOs4I8U50dioWkQmJRjtTQXjNqFENojxNwc1EBxAf4l1K3fBOE/s1600/helmet.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-24327738342490121182011-09-14T22:32:00.001+01:002011-09-14T22:41:34.519+01:00This Working Mom's GuiltYesterday, after spending a little too long on everyone’s favourite
social network followed by watching the news, I had an attack of mom guilt of
monstrous proportions. <i> </i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>How could I have possibly taken my baby from her
protective little home when she was so young and thrust her in such an
environment as a public nursery?!?!</i><i> </i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I
went to bed feeling like a bad bad mom.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-----------------------------------</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There was a time, long long ago, when kids weren’t even on
the radar (in fact I was <i>certain</i> I wouldn’t have any), when my career was my
life. I worked long hours, leaving my
desk just in time to catch the last train home.
What little free time I had was often spent at lectures, filling in
paperwork, studying for additional exams, and adding to my portfolio, all in
the quest of success. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As is often the case, my priorities changed and work became
part of what I did but was no longer the only way to define me. Despite those changes and as sad as I am to
say it, I still do equate my self worth with my success in the working world. This combined with a bit of number crunching
meant that when we decided to start a family, I knew I would return to
work. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That said, when the time came to put little miss into
nursery, I wasn’t ready. I had just
begun to come out of the numbness of postnatal depression and was desperate to
get in some much needed bonding with my daughter, worried she’d connect with
her key worker before she did with me.
This was made even harder by the fact that, because of the recent and
all too familiar economic downturn, I had no job to return to. I used the nursery time to job hunt but it did
not lesson my guilt. It was a bit easier
once I had a job to go to but it still felt like I was abandoning her and completely
failing in my primary duty as a mother.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My daughter, on the other hand, thrived from day one. Sure,
she has brought home her share of fevers and stomach bugs, but she’s a real
trooper when it comes to being sick, taking even that in her stride. She often comes home covered in paint or
shimmering with glitter, sometimes in her spare change of clothes, the ones she
went in sopping wet from water or some other sort of messy play. She’s made friends and has learned so many skills
we could only hope to expose her to if she wasn’t in that environment. She has
a learning journal that is bursting with info already. I’ve watched my baby become a little girl and
I know a lot of that is down to that place she goes to a few times a week.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Still, there are days when she clings to one of us at drop
off or refuses to hug me good bye that my heart breaks and I wonder if perhaps
I should find a way to be home with her.
There are other days when I feel under-appreciated at work and struggle
to justify the valuable time I’m missing with my daughter for what is essentially
a shadow of what I used to do. These
days are tough and leave me guilt ridden but most of the time the bouncy giggly
child that I meet at pick-up reminds that she’s doing just fine.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
This week we increased her days at nursery. She didn’t
want to go yesterday and it seemed as the world was telling me I’d made a wrong
choice. I wondered where I’d gone wrong,
how I could fix it, how much had I scarred her already. Thankfully that feeling didn’t last. In today’s light, I remember that we explored
various options and we know this place is a good fit, for her and for us.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
---------------------------------------</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning Little Miss couldn’t get into nursery and begin
playing fast enough. Even with our new schedule, she still gets one whole day
with Daddy and one whole day with me.
That’s a pretty good deal if you ask me.
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
***PS. On the subject of Good Mom/Bad Mom, did you see this
on Postpartum Progress last week? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://postpartumprogress.com/how-to-be-a-good-mother-imperfection">How to Be a Good Mother: Why Imperfection is the Only Way</a> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I've read it everytime I've had a week moment. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-21125414424890204332011-09-08T21:14:00.000+01:002011-09-08T21:14:07.454+01:00Tossing my Security Blanket<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few weeks ago, I packed a small carry-on for the three of
us and we went on a short, unplanned trip to visit relatives. Since then, life
has been a whirlwind of emotions, busy schedules, big changes, usual life
stresses, and a few ‘not so usual’ stresses thrown in there too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Physically, mentally, and emotionally
exhausted, my husband and I have just stepped around that carry-on, leaving it
where it had dropped the day we got home. It didn’t get fully unpacked until
last night. Other than cluttering up a relatively compact living space, it was relatively
inconsequential.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is, however, one very significant item that stayed
unused in that bag.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The baby monitor. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Otherwise known as my security blanket.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I brought my
baby home I was sure she was going to die if I didn’t stay up all night watching
her breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was thankful for her
little floppy windpipe, rattling with each little breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It saved me from having to lean over her in
the middle of the night to make sure she was okay. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When she was napping, I carried the monitor from room to
room, petrified I might miss her crying and leave her on her own for a moment
too long. I learned what the flicker of the monitor lights meant so if I had
to, I could judge between idle chat and a cry of distress without hearing the
slightest peep. I spent every waking moment watching her and connecting each
movement, each reaction, with the sounds she made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time she began to spend nights in her
own room, I knew every normal shuffle and shift. I didn’t need to get up and
check on her unless a new sound came out of the speaker. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So as a small part of her independence began, she had no
idea that I never slept soundly, afraid I might miss something if I drifted off
too deeply. The monitor was permanently turned up to eleven so I wouldn’t miss
a sound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took me over a year before I
could confidently take a shower as she napped without having to periodically
open the shower door to watch the monitor’s lights flicker. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My little lady was over a year old when I somehow managed to
drop <s>my security blanket</s> the monitor into the glass of water on my
bedside table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was just the perfect
dimensions – small enough to fit in but large enough so wrapping my fingers
around it was nearly impossible. It bobbed up and down as I desperately tried
to fish it out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I finally did rescue
it, it wouldn’t turn on. I took it as a sign that perhaps I should let go and
realize she’d be fine in another room without something amplifying and
broadcasting her every sound to me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
didn’t sleep at all that night, laying there and listening for a muffled cry
that I might miss or a cough that hadn’t been detected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried the monitor again the following night
and it worked so on it went.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My daughter was almost 18 months when we travelled to Canada.
I felt pathetic for having to ask if I could borrow one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seemed even more ridiculous that I might
get an adapter and add yet another thing to our stuffed luggage just to quell this
ongoing irrational anxiety. I was fed up with feeling like a slave to this
stupid little speaker anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
daughter is strong, has a set of lungs on her, and knows how to call for us
from another room. I managed the week without it and vowed to unplug the
monitor when we returned home.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t do it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thought of it
made me physically sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pathetic as I
knew it was, I continued to turn the monitor on when she wasn’t in the room
with me. (Yes, sometimes even when she was playing in her room on her own)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I come up against any of my triggers (homesickness,
money worries, and grief are my big three), more often than not it manifests
itself as anxiety. This translates into a horrendous sense of foreboding and a
feeling of almost certainty that tremendous harm or even death is lurking just
around the corner for my little girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
desire to keep her in my clutches at all times contradicts my biggest desire of
keeping her confident and independent so I do everything in my power to remind
myself that it’s the depression talking and she will be okay. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes the ppd demons win. When they do, I give my daughter
extra cuddles, which she usually tries to squirm away from to get back to
playing. That’s okay with me. It’s kind of the way I want it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve had a tough few weeks and anxiety has reared its ugly
head on more than one occasion. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
In the midst of it all, the monitor stayed packed away, I’ve managed to sleep at
night....and I’ve been there each and every time my little girl has cried out
for me as well. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s all about the baby steps, and frankly this is
practically a leap in my book.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Good night my baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ll hear you if you need me.</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-80407787877752284892011-08-25T22:36:00.001+01:002011-08-27T15:30:20.579+01:00Glimpses of Hope<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">Today was a good day.</span><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">It started by me oversleeping.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">My daughter managed to find a water bottle and dump in on
the carpet.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">My box of ‘Frosted Wheats’ was empty and there was that <i>not quite enough amount</i> left in my second
choice.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> (my husband made me eggs on toast,
though – bonus points for him!)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Little miss refused to give me a hug goodbye…first time she’s
ever done that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I missed an important deadline at work.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I didn’t start two other projects because of desparately
trying to make said deadline.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Since my forgotten umbrella was at home, I got soaked on my
way to lunch.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Our new (to us) car is giving us grief…just days after a
service.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">My husband is ill for the second time in a week.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I had to leave items in the middle of using self checkout to
chase after (surprisingly speedy) daughter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I finished a mountain of dishes, then discovered more on the
table.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">So, on the scale of greatness, this one wouldn’t score
particularly high. </span><span style="font-size: small;"> In fact, by some
standards, it’s fair to say it was particularly shit.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> However, to one who is in the process of
recovery, today was a good day.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> You see,
on a bad day, just one of the above events would be enough to send me spiralling
into the depths of despair.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<a name='more'></a><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<blockquote style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I actually noticed the whole lack of my favourite cereal
issue yesterday. At the time there was
enough Crunchy Nut (good but definitely second choice) but I wasn’t in the mood
for them. I could actually feel my chest
tighten and my breath shorten in panic.
It took a little self pep talking to convince myself to get a grip, it’s
only breakfast, to calm down. Of course, the fact that such a little thing
could upset me made me feel like a failure. No, not </i><b>feel</b><i> like a failure. </i><b>Know</b><i>
I was a failure. I was in tears. Again. Gahhhhhh!</i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Buuuut, that was yesterday.</span><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Today, not once did I get in a panicked heap of
disaster.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> The demons stayed firmly out
of sight and sound where they belong.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> I
was even able to accept that the missed deadline (which, don’t get me wrong,
irritates the hell out of me and is something I can’t remember doing in a long
time) was not something I could have prevented.</span><span style="font-size: small;">
I multi-tasked and stayed calm through the evening routine, getting a
tired and cranky toddler</span><span style="font-size: small;"> fed, bathed,
in bed, and asleep after only(?) five(!!) renditions of the latest favourite bedtime
song.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">When all was done, I sat down with a cup a tea and began to
write and my eyes are dry.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> This is a
good thing.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I struggled for a long time after asking for help.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">With
no experience of a long term illness, it was hard to understand how, even with counselling,
even with medication, there seemed to be absolutely no change in how I felt for
what seemed like an eternity.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> Believing
that I would ever feel better was an impossibility. </span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">My therapist suggested an emotions journal.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> She explained that it might seem a bit hoaky
but asked that I give it a chance for a week and see how it went.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> All I had to do was at three different times
during the day, record my mood.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> Not over
analyze (good, as my brain was mush). </span><span style="font-size: small;">Just
take a second and think which simple face best represents me at that moment, and draw it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrMVW86rjvAGkhqqyrXvbS1lwJc-AwtGf1DO60eKfpkdkQimxyW8kqr2TYUxegpSfEk5o1ZfGgKrDJ3XyKsQlD4tRvA0WVbk8T8b1zl3UAbfwI5I2-gskTYPlfJR_KkB0TNcykb8ZpakY/s1600/Faces.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="72" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrMVW86rjvAGkhqqyrXvbS1lwJc-AwtGf1DO60eKfpkdkQimxyW8kqr2TYUxegpSfEk5o1ZfGgKrDJ3XyKsQlD4tRvA0WVbk8T8b1zl3UAbfwI5I2-gskTYPlfJR_KkB0TNcykb8ZpakY/s400/Faces.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">For days it was nothing but </span><span style="font-size: small;">sad faces, then one
lunchtime I felt indifferent.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> I was sad again by bedtime
but I’d had a not so bad moment!</span><span style="font-size: small;">
Progress and I could see it!</span><span style="font-size: small;"> I
kept this journal up for several weeks. When those low points hit, all I could
think about was the never-ending despair but the facts didn’t lie. My journal
was proof it hadn’t been all bad.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> Soon I
had a string of </span><span style="font-size: small;">indifferent faces and I felt
good enough to add a few descriptive words with them.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> My husband hated the emotion journal and
would do anything he could to avoid looking at it.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> For him, seeing those sad and indifferent
faces was too much to bear, proof of how unhappy I really was, that I wasn’t
enjoying being a mother.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> For me though,
they let me see the light.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> It let me see
the baby steps towards getting better, the little things that could so easily
be missed when viewing the world through a shroud of depression.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">With the exception of the <a href="http://notjusttheblues.blogspot.com/2011/06/sleep-thief.html">middle of the night</a>, mornings were the
hardest.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> That was when I needed my
little sheets of faces the most.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> They
reminded me that if I could get myself to mid-day, things stayed pretty good
until the witching hour. (How much can one baby nurse and how clingy can they
possible be in the space of a few hours?!?!?)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">When I started to be upbeat enough to forget to fill in the chart, I knew
its purpose had run its course.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> I
stopped physically recording my emotions but the practice is still the
same.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> Living one day at a time is
essential but sometimes it has to be broken down to moment by moment.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> This isn’t the same as “life is what you make
of it” or simply a matter of “looking on the bright side of things.”</span><span style="font-size: small;"> This is about noticing that one not-so-bad
point to help me realise I am making steps towards being the real me again.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> This is about laughing and remembering that
laughter when I feel like I am <a href="http://notjusttheblues.blogspot.com/2011/06/taking-out-garbage.html">sinking</a>.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: small;"><i>Look for the
moments, savour the days. </i> </span></b></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: small;"><i>When there is
a string of them, try to embrace it.</i></span></b></div>
</blockquote>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Today was a good day. Yesterday most certainly was not.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> Tomorrow is still up for grabs.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> Things may even change tonight but no
matter what happens,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">Today I had a
good one.</span></b><span style="font-size: small;"><b> </b> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">How was yours?</span></div>
Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-33735113648188936582011-08-22T21:51:00.001+01:002011-08-22T22:48:09.184+01:00The Call<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">It’s 7:30am. The
phone rings and I answer. It’s my
Grandfather, sounding serious, asking for my Dad. He’s outside shovelling snow so I take over and
he goes into the phone. Too much time
passes and, even with my little kid’s shovel, I manage to finish before my Dad
returns. When I get inside mom and dad
are sitting at the table looking serious.</span></div>
<div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">This is the first time I hear the world <i><b>death</b>.</i> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Although that part is
singed into my memory, I can’t remember who it was. My memory seems to have repeated it as
well. In my head, this happened multiple
times, but I know some calls came in the summer. I know I didn’t always answer
the phone. One thing is for
certain. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Calls before breakfast are never good news. </span><br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<a name='more'></a><div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Your dad’s cousin has
died.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>His uncle has passed
away.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Grampa has had a bad
accident.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Grammy suffered a
fall.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>He’s very sick and
going into the hospital.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>She’s going to have surgery.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>He’s going into
hospice.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>She won’t be going
home.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Visiting hours. Amputation. Ulcers. Dialysis. Sugar levels.
Blood pressure. Pneumonia. Heart failure. Lung cancer. Words I learned before I
learned cursive or multiplication.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">This week’s <a href="http://mypostpartumvoice.com/ppdchat-guidelines/">#ppdchat</a> is about triggers. I have many but there is one big one that cripples me everytime. Last week, as I studied a hospital map to see
where best to entertain my daughter during visiting hours, childhood memories I hadn’t realized I’d
retained came flooding back. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">_________________________________________________________________________________</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>It’s a beautiful sunny day. My grandmother is in hospital
again but no kids are allowed on the ward. My brother and I are making up games to play on the various pieces of
equipment along the fitness trail outside.
My dad pops out to check on us.
We fall about with laughter as he does his best to complete our latest
dare on the balance beam. He laughs too
and applauds my sister as she completes our task with ease. Later, we are gathered by the car, saying goodbye to other relatives. Visiting hours are over. I can see my mom’s eyes
are sad behind her smile. She hands me a
small gift wrapped in tissue paper. It’s
my birthday and she’s gotten me earrings - my name spelled out in rainbow
letters. I couldn’t be happier. We had taken a break from that same hospital
to go get my ears pierced exactly one year before. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i> ...........................</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>My grandmother has come to stay with us for a while. She’s
had both legs removed at this point, has emphysema along with several other
things I don’t understand yet and won't know about until later. My Dad has built a ramp that fits over our
front steps. We’ve borrowed a wheelchair
from our church and have rented other things from a medical supply store.The
bed is my favorite. Able to go up and
down, prop you up or lie you flat, all by the touch of a button – brilliant. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i> ...........................</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i> </i></span><span style="font-size: small;"><i> </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>She’s on oxygen now, though I rarely see her use it. I’m in her room watching our usual morning TV
lineup - </i><i>Captain Kangaroo</i><i> followed by
</i><i>Great Space Coaster</i><i>, then </i><i>Price is Right</i><i>…after that I’ll need to
leave because that’s when Grammy’s </i><i>‘stories’</i><i>
come on and those aren’t appropriate for me to watch. My mom pops her head in and notices the oxygen
tubes lying on the bedside table.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>“Why is that off again?” she snaps.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i> “Because the noise
scares her so I turn it off when she’s in here with me.”</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I don’t know what gave her that idea as I think the steady
hssss-ggssshhh of it is kind of soothing...it’s the tubes in her nose that
freak me out.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i> ...........................</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i> </i></span><span style="font-size: small;"><i> </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Another phone call has come and my Dad is in charge. Grammy is very sick this time so we all do
our best to help Dad out while mom was away. Everything is an adventure. I get
to take slices of provolone cheese with me for snack instead of making it into
a boring old sandwich. He’s used ice
cream scoops so our lunches sit in perfect little semi-circles on our plates. We
have goulash for dinner. Dessert is “pudding in a cloud” served in wine glasses
- I feel like we were on some </i><i>fancy </i><i>vacation. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>When I get home from school, my sister is sitting on my
Dad’s lap, my brother on the floor in front of him. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>“Grammy’s died.” “Do
you know what that means?” </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Not really but I know I am sad and that I’ll never see her
again. I also know she’ll never be in
pain ever again and that makes me strangely happy. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>A few days later, my mom sits my brother and me down and asks
us if we have any questions or feelings about Grammy dying. My brother asks if it was okay that he hasn’t
felt like crying and my mom explains that everyone deals with it in their own
special way and that’s ok. I ask if that
means it’s okay if I do cry a little and she says yes, if I want to.</i></span></div>
</blockquote>
</div>
<div style="-moz-border-bottom-colors: none; -moz-border-image: none; -moz-border-left-colors: none; -moz-border-right-colors: none; -moz-border-top-colors: none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color -moz-use-text-color windowtext; border-style: none none solid; border-width: medium medium 1pt; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; padding: 0cm 0cm 1pt; text-align: justify;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; padding: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">The phone rang yesterday just as I was pouring my daughter’s
morning milk. My heart stopped. The lump was in my throat before I could
answer the phone. Later, as I washed dishes and tried desperately to go about
the day like all was normal, I had the clearest memory of my dad’s face the day
my mother died. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">The four of us who had been five just hours before stand in
a group hug, silently crying in our kitchen. Then we sit down with coffees and
wait until what feels like an appropriate hour to begin making phone calls.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">7:30am. That’s
respectable enough. </span></div>
Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283516832715858198.post-21891410372476667962011-08-21T12:12:00.000+01:002011-08-21T12:12:54.754+01:00Silent Sunday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI-TVAhokS2bFfoTZwgu6eRDEsCe6pwstvmG-2xqCoIcIKmf-p5BVoU3D9f-Im8wPgeV3ePpZEvFi3FrHJ62F0qM6DsFrHNdyeYDcs7CLTTOmUvmoWtgwWGuVSe5FKkfGepV5xNFX0fWs/s1600/IMG-20110820-00938.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI-TVAhokS2bFfoTZwgu6eRDEsCe6pwstvmG-2xqCoIcIKmf-p5BVoU3D9f-Im8wPgeV3ePpZEvFi3FrHJ62F0qM6DsFrHNdyeYDcs7CLTTOmUvmoWtgwWGuVSe5FKkfGepV5xNFX0fWs/s320/IMG-20110820-00938.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<center><a href="http://www.mochabeaniemummy.com/silent-sunday/"><img alt="Silent Sunday" border="0" src="http://www.mochabeaniemummy.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Silent-Sunday-Badge-SMALL-1.jpg" /></a>
</center><center><br /></center><center><br /></center>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299042306832202969noreply@blogger.com4