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Saturday, 3 March 2012

It's Time to Live Again

I am waking up. The fog is clearing.

I laugh naturally. I get songs in my head. I make decisions. But I’ve still got a long way to go.

Small things that I used to take in stride are now hurdles looming large in front of me. I conquer them, but it takes a lot of pep talking and rather than leaping, I claw my way over using thousands of baby steps. This is hard to get used to. I want to be me again.  When I was in the throes of this battle, I knew better than to compare myself to the overachiever I once was. Now that I can see the end is near, I want to find my way back to being that person again.

I know I shouldn’t be in a hurry.  I’ve tried to rush progress before and it brought me to the brink of a relapse. I know it is better to take it one day at a time and, if things are particularly rocky, to take them one moment at a time instead.

If only life slowed down to make this possible.

It doesn’t.

I’m impatient because life is speeding along and flying past me while I continue to move at a snail’s pace.  I have clawed myself back from the deep dark depths of depression but if I don’t step up my game soon, I will find myself crushed by life itself.  I need to be able to plan ahead. I need to regain my self confidence. I need to capture my initiative, reignite my creativity, take chances, move out of my comfort zone, and live again. Surviving is all well and good but there’s no passion behind it.

It is mind numbing. It is soul destroying. 

Above all, I need to find the happy.  I was a romantic. I lived with my heart on my sleeve, following it even when my mind told me to sit still and keep my mouth shut. 

This illness made me apathetic and without fire.  I want to be passionate again.

I get out of bed in the morning because the alarm goes off.  I want to get up for something real.

I am sick of merely surviving, treading water. I am ready to move forward.

I just need to figure out how.

What makes me happy?

I have no idea.


Mirjam said...

I can really, really , really relate to your post!
The relapse when trying to speed things up, the impatience everything.
I try to stay patient, by telling myself that I'm exactly where I need to be right now. and try to focus on the few good things this illness has brought me.
Sometimes it works, sometimes not!
But we will beat this, one baby step at a time! (hugs)

Sew now we are four said...

((())) Come down, we will have some beer, get out the French Horn and be silly. xxx

JoyceBatens said...

Thank you for the post! Suffering from ppd myself, I can relate to what you are feeling. It can feel overwhelming but I found a great website,, that offers great ideas about coping with ppd. Hope this is helpful!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I reckon you're on your way. Knowing how much you want to move on is half the battle of actually doing it. Best of luck.

CJ x

TheBoyandMe said...

Big hug! You do sound as if you're on your way there missus, set yourself new achievable goals. If it helps, I don't think you're on your own about not knowing you or what makes you happy; I feel the same way and I think it might be something that happens to a woman when she becomes a mother. Tough as though, because I want to laugh more freely and enjoy the little things more. I used to.

SandyS125 said...

Patience and baby steps, the most helpful yet my least favourite actions. ;-) We WILL beat this!

SandyS125 said...

That would certainly be a start. ;-) I have forgotten to have fun unless there's a purpose behind it. Thanks for reading. x

SandyS125 said...

Thank you for this vote of confidence! It helps so much, especially on days like today when the self doubt screams louder than usual.