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Friday, 13 January 2012

An Open Message to PPD (AKA PND)


I know you’re still there, lurking in the shadows and waiting to pounce.

On bad days like today, you remind me of what I used to be and just how far I’ve have fallen. You tell me I am worthless, that I don’t deserve anything more, and that my child will never respect me for what I do.

You twist every one of my thoughts into a reason to hate myself. You turn them into reasons to not exist.

“You are a horrible, boring, pessimistic person with no passion, no creativity, and no love to give. No wonder no one wants to be around you. That’s why the phone never rings. That is why you spend your time alone.”

“You are broken.”

“You cannot be fixed.”

“You do not deserve to make decisions for yourself. You are not the protagonist in your own life story.  You do not matter.”

“It’s no wonder you’re back at the bottom. You were spineless enough to let them put you there. You are worthless enough so they’ll keep you there. They are laughing at you.”

Your words cut deep and leave scars so even on the good days I question my worth. I wonder how my husband can look at me with anything but distaste. I don’t attempt to reconnect with friends. I feel out of shape and ugly. I have withdrawn.

I tell myself that of course I am worth something and that I look fine. I remind myself that I haven’t withdrawn; I’m just fighting an illness. I remember that my versatility has helped me survive.

I take a break.
I breathe out the bad and breathe in the good.
I sit in a room and cry.
I sit in a different room and cry.
I sit in the dark and cry.

It has been long enough.
I am fighting hard to leave you behind.
You cannot possibly be strong enough to beat me down.

You want me to give up and to give in. You want me to withdraw from others so I sink deeper into the hole you have dug for me. You want me to believe all those terrible lies and twisted truths you fill my brain with. You thrive on it.

But I am fighting against you. I go out in public and remind myself that the anxiety is a mere whisper of what it used to be. I hold on to my emotions, remembering there was a time when I felt nothing. I repeat these victories over and over in my head as I take deep breaths and relax. 

I do not avoid you.

I write all of this down so I have to face what I’m feeling. I type these words, bleary through my tears.

I know I have come a long way. I am so close to the end that I can almost touch it, and I know that the last bit of the climb is always the toughest.

You sneer at me when I lose my footing and tumble backwards once again. I tell myself two steps forward and one step back is hard but it is still progress. I fight harder.

The dark times do not get easier but they do not last as long as they used to.

You won today.

But there’s always tomorrow.

And at some point I will kick your ass.

15 comments:

The Kitchen Mechanic said...

You are so brave to share. I thankfully did not suffer from PPD (but that is probably because I had a team of people ensuring that I didn't) that's because I had experienced these feelings in the past.
New Mums should read this, just to know that it is out there, and that you have to get help and never stop fighting it... I am so glad you are positive and that, as you say "at some point will kick it's ass"

1978rebecca said...

Im sure you will kick its ass. Sounds like things are starting to get easier. Hope that continues.

Jenn Fox said...

This letter is amazing! You are amazing! You will kick its sorry ass all over the room.

Lindsay said...

You're amazing, sweets. I had a day like this last week. Keep fighting it however you need to, and we will be right here to kick some ass with you.

Jaime {James and Jax} said...

You WILL kick its ass. I know you will. I believe in you!

Mksetchell said...

You will absolutely kick its ass! Love you xx

Leighann said...

I know this feeling so well.
But you are strong and you are going to get through this.
I know because I've been there. I've been a fighter and a survivor and I know that every single one of us had the ability to beat this!
I'm so proud of you for writing about this and for helping other women!
Thank you.
Stay strong and never give up!

TheBoyandMe said...

You will strap on your big chuff-off bovver boots and kick PND's arse to Timbuktoo! There is always tomorrow, and while there is that you hold your chin up high and remember we're all here for you!

SandyS125 said...

Thank you for reading and for your comment. If I can let just one other woman know she's not alone, then this blog will have been worth while.

SandyS125 said...

Thank you. x

SandyS125 said...

Why thank you! I plan on it. ;-)

SandyS125 said...

Thank you! As will you!!

SandyS125 said...

As always, your support is part of the reason I'll be able to kick it!

SandyS125 said...

This means the world. Congrats on your fight. I cannot wait to call myself a survior but know patience is necessary to beat it properly. Thank you.

SandyS125 said...

Oh, you're awesome. I kind of want to buy new pair real boots now so I can actually think of them as chuff-off bovver boots. Then I can do some ass kickin' in style. ;-)