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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Taking Out the Garbage

Today’s post is more journal entry than usual. I apologize in advance but I had to get it out somehow…what better place than a completely public blog

I sat down last night to write about one of the more emotional subjects for me but after an hour of rambling and almost 1000 words, I realized I’d done nothing but skirt the issue.  Clearly I am not ready to deal with it.  I should be able to accept this and move on but I can’t.  To say I have been low the last couple of days would be an understatement.  Truth is, I am a mess.  I had these ideas that I would start writing about my journey, move past a few issues I hadn’t really faced, and I’d somehow be in recovery.  Now, only a few posts in, I’m scared that exploring these issues is opening up this chasm that will swallow me up and never let me out.  I am beginning to wonder if I might be better off sealing it shut again. 

I feel so alone.  At first I did feel quite empowered by starting this blog, but now I don’t even feel like I’ve shared anything with you yet.  I keep talking about being honest but it seems I’m just not ready to bare my heart and soul.  I suppose I could just write it in a journal just to get it out of my head.  I don’t have to share that I’ve just had one of my worst days since admitting I have depression in the first place.  However, since starting this up, I have discovered that there is this terribly needy person that I didn’t know was lurking just beneath the surface.


I really really need to know I’m not alone in this.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who still feels this crappy when their baby is now actually a toddler and hasn’t been a baby for months. 

I feel weak. I cried my way to work this morning.  I’m not actually sure how I made it through the day but I did.  Thank goodness for auto-pilot because I really cannot afford not to function.  Every time my mind wandered from the task at hand, I could feel my chest tighten, the anxiety returning, the foreboding feeling that all was about to go or is going wrong.  I worked through a lot of my lunch, pushing these horrendous feelings away. 

I feel pathetic. I feel invisible. I don’t even want to think about how many times I’ve checked my site counter to see if anyone has visited my blog. I need to know I’m being read for some reason.  This blog was supposed to be about sharing my story, not caring about how many people liked what I’d written.  I feel like I’m a teenager again, watching the popular crowd, pretending I don’t really care but wanting badly to be accepted into their fold.  (my failure to bond with other moms is a post for another day)

I feel useless.  I feel like I have lost who I am and I have no idea how to find my way back.  Even though I accept that I will never be the same again, I have no idea how to adapt so it is another element in my life. Instead I feel like I’m just scrambling to keep up in someone else’s life.

I feel like a burden.  I feel like there’s only so much of this my husband can handle when there is so much else to try to deal with.  I feel like my friends shouldn’t have to hear me moaning one more time.  I wanted so bad to be able to do this on my own so I would no longer have to bother them with any of this.  I have failed.  I am not strong enough to do it on my own. 

I am fed-up. I cannot go on feeling like this.  Anti-depressants are not enough.  It’s breaking my heart. It’s breaking me. I will find help once I find the strength to look.  I fear if I don’t get better soon, I will be even more empty, alone, and broken than I am now.

I am done for today.  Thank you for reading. I have used every ounce of ‘happy’ for the outside world and needed to get this poison out so I can start fresh again tomorrow. 

Please let it be a better day.