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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Taking Out the Garbage

Today’s post is more journal entry than usual. I apologize in advance but I had to get it out somehow…what better place than a completely public blog

I sat down last night to write about one of the more emotional subjects for me but after an hour of rambling and almost 1000 words, I realized I’d done nothing but skirt the issue.  Clearly I am not ready to deal with it.  I should be able to accept this and move on but I can’t.  To say I have been low the last couple of days would be an understatement.  Truth is, I am a mess.  I had these ideas that I would start writing about my journey, move past a few issues I hadn’t really faced, and I’d somehow be in recovery.  Now, only a few posts in, I’m scared that exploring these issues is opening up this chasm that will swallow me up and never let me out.  I am beginning to wonder if I might be better off sealing it shut again. 

I feel so alone.  At first I did feel quite empowered by starting this blog, but now I don’t even feel like I’ve shared anything with you yet.  I keep talking about being honest but it seems I’m just not ready to bare my heart and soul.  I suppose I could just write it in a journal just to get it out of my head.  I don’t have to share that I’ve just had one of my worst days since admitting I have depression in the first place.  However, since starting this up, I have discovered that there is this terribly needy person that I didn’t know was lurking just beneath the surface.

I really really need to know I’m not alone in this.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who still feels this crappy when their baby is now actually a toddler and hasn’t been a baby for months. 

I feel weak. I cried my way to work this morning.  I’m not actually sure how I made it through the day but I did.  Thank goodness for auto-pilot because I really cannot afford not to function.  Every time my mind wandered from the task at hand, I could feel my chest tighten, the anxiety returning, the foreboding feeling that all was about to go or is going wrong.  I worked through a lot of my lunch, pushing these horrendous feelings away. 

I feel pathetic. I feel invisible. I don’t even want to think about how many times I’ve checked my site counter to see if anyone has visited my blog. I need to know I’m being read for some reason.  This blog was supposed to be about sharing my story, not caring about how many people liked what I’d written.  I feel like I’m a teenager again, watching the popular crowd, pretending I don’t really care but wanting badly to be accepted into their fold.  (my failure to bond with other moms is a post for another day)

I feel useless.  I feel like I have lost who I am and I have no idea how to find my way back.  Even though I accept that I will never be the same again, I have no idea how to adapt so it is another element in my life. Instead I feel like I’m just scrambling to keep up in someone else’s life.

I feel like a burden.  I feel like there’s only so much of this my husband can handle when there is so much else to try to deal with.  I feel like my friends shouldn’t have to hear me moaning one more time.  I wanted so bad to be able to do this on my own so I would no longer have to bother them with any of this.  I have failed.  I am not strong enough to do it on my own. 

I am fed-up. I cannot go on feeling like this.  Anti-depressants are not enough.  It’s breaking my heart. It’s breaking me. I will find help once I find the strength to look.  I fear if I don’t get better soon, I will be even more empty, alone, and broken than I am now.

I am done for today.  Thank you for reading. I have used every ounce of ‘happy’ for the outside world and needed to get this poison out so I can start fresh again tomorrow. 

Please let it be a better day.


Vanessa (Housewives Inc) said...

You are not the only one! My little girl has just turned 2 and I've been suffering PND for the best part of a year and a half. I've felt incredibly let down by the 'system' (doctors, midwives, health visitors - all of whom don't seem to care) and managed to find myself a therapist recently who is helping me process things. Please find someone to talk to. Your little girl needs her mom, and your hubby needs his wife x

this is us said...

I was depressed after my first, I did nothing about it and it took a year and a half for me to start feeling normal, by this time I was pregnant again and so scared I'd feel the same. It wasn't the same though, I seemed happier, but stopped eating after my second, it was like the depression took hold in a different way... Again I did nothing, which was stupid, it took me a long time to feel like me again, maybe if I'd got help it wouldn't have took as long. But don't be hard on yourself, my first is 7 now and it's only the past 3 years I've felt totally happy again. Nat

A Modern Mother said...

You aren't the only one! Hang in there and keep writing, it helps. xx

Anonymous said...

OMG you poor, poor angel. You MUST go to the GP. You need to revisit your medication and find a therapist. I have had depression for 10 years (not PND) and for me it has never gone away, I have good and bad days. Exercise and friendship are a great help, although in the dark days this is the last thing you want to do, but believe me, it helps. PLEASE see your Doctor and keep writing. If there's anything I can do to help, shout.

Anonymous said...

I echo Vanessa's thoughts; I'm seeing a psychologist/counsellor and I'm doing so much better for it. It doesn't work for everyone, as with medication, but it's got to be worth a try? Keep writing and rest assured you ARE being read. Even if there are only a few people reading, that's got to be something right? :)

Sandy said...

THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you for sharing your experiences and for such kind words! It means the world to me when I find out I'm not the only one who feels like this. I have made steps to getting help - contacted my former counselor for ideas and a friend of mine gave me some suggestions as well. I still need to find the strength to put it in action but I know that putting off getting help does not help anyone. Next step is to discuss the next step with my GP.

Amber Lena said...

Sandy - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are so many moms online (blogs, twitter) that feel exactly the same way. Me being one of them. I wasn't treated for PND until my twin girls were 16 months old, and now they are 4 and I still stuggle every. single. day. I'm participating in a depression study that has me on 2 different anti-depressants. Part of me wishes I could just be done with it, but the other part of me knows that this depression is part of who I am and I will always need to watch myself.

oh, and the blog thing? When I started mine, I wanted people to visit and comment and just be heard. But there are millions of blogs out there - just reach who you are meant to reach and the rest is just therapy. <3

Amber Lena
twitter @PSIofWA and @amberlenab

James and Jax blog said...

I felt all of those things, too. And that's why I started blogging. I credit it with adding the final nails to the coffin that was my PPD. Once I started opening up, even if only a few people were reading, I felt like I was releasing my PPDemons (as Yael Saar of refers to them). You are not alone. Read that phrase over & over until you believe it. There is a whole PPD army of us out there to help you through all of this until you're better. Don't forget it. Keep writing. Keep reaching out. You will get better. It will take time, but it will happen.