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Wednesday, 29 June 2011

All You Need is Love?

Wouldn’t it be great if all we needed was love? 

The trouble is, it really isn’t enough is it?  It will help you through the rough patches for sure but at the end of the day, there are a lot of times when love falls a bit short of the mark.  People still get sick.  People still die.  People still hurt.  And perhaps the worst of all - People still need money.

I am a mom.  I have a beautiful little girl.  I have a wonderful husband.  Our household is filled with love and laughter.  This is not enough.  I have postnatal depression and our love, as strong as it is, cannot squash it.

Thanks to external circumstances, both of our paychecks are considerably smaller than they were just a couple years ago.  Our life has become a delicate balance of having her in childcare long enough to make money but not so long that it costs us more to keep her there than we actually earn.  Even with this balance, things are tight.  At night, we retreat into our own tense silences, crunching and re-crunching numbers in our heads, searching for better solutions, or simply trying to shut out the worry and relax our exhausted minds. 

It could get worse before it gets better and this scares the living crap out of me.  I don’t have time to be depressed.  I have a job to do.  I have a child to look after.  I have bills to pay.  I have a husband to spend time with.  I have friends I hardly ever see. I have family to stay in touch with.  Hell, I’m finding it hard enough to just find time to write and I can do that at night once my little lady is in bed.

What damage has this illness already done?  At what cost will therapy come?  How much more of her young life will I miss?  How much longer will I have to watch her through this horrid haze?  How distant will my husband and I be from each other when I finally reach the light at the end of the tunnel?  How many of my friends will want to spend time with me after I’ve hashed out the ugliness in my head?  The therapy to which I’ve been referred is courtesy of the NHS so at least that is one less worry but the cost is so much bigger than money.  The effects of this illness seem monumental and the road to recovery seems to be wrought with difficulty as well. 

I feel much better, though a completely numb and extremely fragile, after receiving some ‘doctor ordered’ time off.  It hasn’t stopped the worry or the questions about how I fix this or how to shoehorn recovery into our already precariously balanced mix of daily life.  I wish I could concentrate on nothing but getting better but I suppose learning how to deal is all part and parcel to the process.

We don’t live in a bubble now, do we?    


Mr Toodle said...

Hi Sandy, it's hard to know what to say, as I don't want to say the wrong thing. The details of everyone's depression is different, and what helps/effects me, is probably different from what helps/effects you (I don't even know if PND can be compared to D, which is what I'm prone to). But I know for sure that ALL your friends will want there for you after and during your current state of feeling. And if I know your husband at all, I'm sure he will never be distant from you. If anything, my depression brought me and my wife closer together. x

Amber Lena said...

Having been there, and feeling the way you are feeling, I can only say this: You will get through it, and you just have to believe that. Help will come from sources that you might not even have thought about yet. Keep writing, and keep reaching out...

Sandy said...

Thanks to both of you. Things have been pretty overwhelming but today seems to be a bit brighter. The writing has brought up things I didn't even know were there and other things I'm not sure I was even ready to deal with which has been hard but all part of the process I guess. It helps so much to have readers and support, to remember others have felt (are feeling) this way too. Thanks again.

The Boy and Me said...

It's easy for me to say chin up and one step at a time because I don't suffer with PND. Having spoken to friends who have it though, I know that one step at a time is all that you can do. Your husband married you because he loves you for you, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He will be there for you because of this and because he loves you. Love may not be enough to get rid of the PND but it means that your family and friends are there for you during it and once it's passed. *huge hug*

MsXpat said...

You know something, I've heard myself say this so many time, but reading your words makes me realise that I'm not the only one feels this way. Sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes I feel 'blue' sometimes I feel 'empty'. I'm not sure why I feel that way and can't say its just down to pregnancy and birth of my baby. I just keep busy and roll with the punches. I look forward to reading your posts